Punch Lines

In the news: Jay Leno, on an election-year scandal for Sen. Bob Dole: “It seems that before he joined the Senate, he may have profited illegally from the Louisiana Purchase.”

Jenny Church, on President Clinton testifying on videotape about Whitewater: “During a break, his staff asked if he wanted to see his crime bill. Clinton asked if he could just ‘run a tab.’ ”

Tony Peyser, on Gov. Pete Wilson opposing the GOP’s anti-abortion platform: “He had a change of heart after aborting his presidential bid.”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on Alabama’s governor saying no to women in chain gangs: “The issue of women in chains raises so many questions--moral questions, ethical questions, fashion questions.”

Alan Ray, on the major forest fire in New Mexico: “Officials blame the blaze on human error. Some careless tourist probably started a Ford.”

Alex Pearlstein, on this week’s annual National Cable Television Assn.’s convention in Los Angeles: “Attendees are pretty upset. If they want to hear the premium speeches, they have to pay an extra $15.”

Brad Halpern, on the new weight-loss drug Redux, which actually sends different messages to the brain while eating to suppress appetite: “Among the messages: airline food!”

Leno, on the new religion that worships Elvis Presley: “I don’t know much about the religion, but I would guess that it doesn’t involve fasting.”

Cutler, on the Montana Freemen providing a video to explain their views: “How ironic. Finally a video that comes with a warning to the FBI.”

* Adds Peyser: “After three days of negotiating with Bo Gritz, the Freemen now admit that they actually wanted to meet with Bo Derek.”

Argus Hamilton, on a round of golf with the president being auctioned to raise money for Chelsea’s private school: “It could attract millions of dollars. It’s being offered as a round of golf with a man once photographed shaking hands with Jackie Kennedy’s first husband.”

*

Among the Top 10 things overheard at Jackie O.’s auction, according to David Letterman:

* “Do I hear $2 million for this stack of wrestling magazines?”

* “Those high heels were worn by both Jackie and J. Edgar Hoover.”

* “Sure it’s an official White House napkin--they just called it ‘White Castle’ back then.”

* “I wish Oliver Stone would shut up about his ‘second auctioneer’ theory.”

* “I knew Jack Kennedy’s pet monkey. Jack Kennedy’s pet monkey was a friend of mine. And that, sir, is not Jack Kennedy’s pet monkey.”

* “Sorry, President Clinton, his little black book is not for sale.”

*

Reader Marc Reede of Manhattan Beach and his daughter, Casey, 4, were watching the bride and groom leave a wedding reception in a limousine when she asked:

“Are they going to the moon now?”