Keep America Safe; Turn In Your Nanny

Admittedly, when I first thought about National Turn In Your Nanny Day, I had my doubts. Would parents really be willing to inform on the women who’ve been raising their children? And what about the howling of those kids when the immigration cops come for their surrogate moms? Perhaps we could soften the pain with NBA tickets for kids who turn in their illegal nannies.

Look, I’m not a hardhearted guy. But this country has suffered enough embarrassment from illegal immigrants who are eager to pick up after us, sew our clothes and harvest our crops. Are brown Catholics the only people left with the white Protestant work ethic?

We need to root out those criminals in our midst, beginning with the ubiquitous housekeepers that no Clinton appointee seems to be able to live without. Crime prevention begins in the home, and if Zoe Baird had informed on her maid in a timely fashion, she’d be attorney general today. Pete Wilson, who first rallied the public on this issue, had a Mexican worker doing his laundry and floors for years and he didn’t know it. Or maybe he did, but , he says, hiring was his ex-wife’s responsibility.

There are many fronts in this war. Why not a National Turn In Your Busboy Day? Illegal busboys are everywhere, just like those car wash guys, day laborers and garment workers taking jobs that legal Americans desperately want. And don’t forget the grape pickers who get to enjoy healthy outdoor work while native-born Americans slave away in sealed, air-conditioned offices.

It’s time to take our country back. That’s why, in a rare display of bipartisanship, liberals joined with conservatives in the Senate to pass the new smash illegal immigration bill. Even Ted Kennedy, who once pushed through a sweeping amnesty bill for illegal Irish aliens, voted for this crackdown on the Mexican border. No favorites here; any Irishman trying to wade across the Rio Grande is going to get busted. True, he could just come in by plane and overstay his tourist visa, which, according to the INS, is how half of the illegal immigrants get here. But many of those people are white, and voters don’t notice them.

The Senate bill is not as tough-lovey as the one Newt Gingrich got through the House, which would allow states to deny public education to “illegal” children, but it’s got other good stuff. As Alan Simpson, the author of the Senate bill, boasted, “We have stuff in there that has everything but the rack and thumbscrews for people who are violating the laws of the United States.” Being tough on illegal immigrants, like favoring the death penalty, is one of those issues that makes a politician feel good about himself.

Or herself. Let’s not forget that we now have eight women in the Senate, and all of them voted the tough line. Hopefully, that will bury the canard that women might prove sentimental about people sneaking into this country in order to feed their families. Indeed, California’s Dianne Feinstein has been leading the charge, especially since the passage of Proposition 187 showed her where the votes are.

Feinstein, the clear winner in the border photo-op derby, can take credit for the authorization of more night goggles and Jeeps, extra fencing, a much bigger Border Patrol and, best of all, a 66% increase in detention camps. It’s more fun than paint ball, and who cares that these games at the border have little to do with the real world?

Yes, as long as the magnet of jobs exists, illegal immigrants will come. Of course, the new legislation ignores employers except for a minor voluntary pilot program to verify job applicants’ legal status. That’s because big growers and garment manufacturers are legal Americans who make campaign contributions.

That’s why Congress ignored the real solution: a substantial raise and strict enforcement of the minimum wage, which would cut into the market for cheap immigrant labor and attract legal workers. But Gingrich now seeks to exempt farms and small businesses, where most of the illegal immigrants work, from the minimum wage law. Exploit undocumented workers and attack illegal immigrants--it’s been a staple of our history.

Which is why Turn In Your Nanny Day could catch on. Not as a program, but as a political slogan. “Fill those detention camps,” would make for a great 30-second spot for Republicans and Democrats alike. Sure, it’s hypocritical to suddenly attack nannies who we’ve entrusted with our homes, but hypocrisy has become our way of life.