This Is Not Cheeriest of Ideas by Far

There are cheerleaders now at Angel baseball games.

Let me repeat that. It’s morning. You are reading your newspaper. You probably just got out of bed. Your eyes are a little cloudy. You could swear that you just read there are cheerleaders at Angel baseball games.

Hold onto your bacon or bagel:

It’s true.

But this can’t be, you say. Cheerleaders and baseball go together like apple pie and mustard. Cheerleaders have nice, clean shoes. Baseball players spit on nice, clean shoes. Cheerleaders are warm, friendly people. Albert Belle will throw a ball at them.

The Walt Disney Co., in its finite wisdom, introduced cheerleading to major league baseball Friday night as it formally took control of the daily operation of the Angels, heaven help them.

Atop the dugouts between innings, the cheerleaders entertained the crowd.

(Well, let’s say they performed for the crowd.)

Being a Disney promotion, I suppose we can be grateful that the characters on the dugout weren’t Grumpy, Sneezy, Dopey and Doc, or, as perhaps you think of them, Barry Bonds, Steve Howe, Marge Schott and Dwight Gooden.

Being a Disney promotion, on the other hand, the cheerleaders did look like sweet, wholesome kids, whereas if, say, Jerry Buss had bought the Angels, the cheerleaders would look like the cast of “Baywatch.”

Baseball and cheerleaders.

Cheerleaders and baseball.

Doesn’t exactly trickle off the tongue, does it? Cheerleaders are for football, so that a large bruiser can trudge off the field with his team behind, 60-6, and be cheered up by: “Rams’ spirit, yes!”

Cheerleaders are for basketball, so that a crowd rocking a 20,000-seat building can watch 12 women from Salt Lake City dance to a rap tune.

But baseball?

Baseball has been remarkably cheerleader-free. I am not sure why. Baseball lets huge, furry mascots up on the dugouts, frightening poor children who have heard about the horrors of nuclear contamination. Baseball lets Dixieland jazz musicians up on the dugouts, and, as you know, Dixieland jazz is the leading cause of ear injury among young adults, ages 8-21.

Cheerleaders. Hmmm. I’ll have to think about this.

Maybe they will inspire the Angels, by forming pyramids higher than the Big A itself, climbing onto each other’s shoulders while calling out such motivational cheers as:

--”2-4-6-8! Look how much that umpire ate!”

--”We’re from Anaheim, couldn’t be prouder! None of our players sniff illegal white powder!”

--”Gimme an L! What’s that spell? ANGEL! (Or, if you speak Spanish, ‘On-hell!’) YAY!”

--”Two bits, four bits, six bits, a dollar! Anybody with any money left after paying for parking, tickets, souvenirs and food, stand up and holler!”

Yes, I am beginning to see the benefit of baseball cheerleaders.

First, you know this is really going to distract Wade Boggs.

Second, fans need something to watch between innings besides highlight footage of catchers falling over railings.

Third, a little organ music, a few cheerleaders and next thing you know, you’ve got a real hootenanny!

Fourth, if Gene Autry had had cheerleaders back in his day, the ol’ campfire sure woulda been a lot warmer.

Fifth, with cheerleaders on the dugout to watch, Toronto fans wouldn’t need to watch those couples in that hotel.

Sixth, cheerleaders should go over big in Detroit, because between innings is the only time Detroit isn’t giving up runs.

Seventh, instead of “Take Me Out to the Ball Game,” cheerleaders could lead us in a rousing seventh-inning rendition of “YMCA!”

Eighth, Seattle won’t allow cheerleaders, because a few cheerleaders on the dugout could cause that whole stadium to collapse.

Ninth, you can guess how Dallas cheerleaders will dress, so that’s the end of the Texas Rangers’ concentration, right there.

And 10th, cheerleaders will make a 4-hour, 30-minute baseball game breeze by like it only took 4:29.