Punch Lines

In the news: Bob Dole met with Mother Teresa for an hour. Says Bob Mills, “She offered the candidate advice on conducting an honest and forthright campaign and he gave her some of Newt’s tips on handling the poor.”

“I think a marriage is between a man and a woman,” Newt Gingrich told “Meet the Press.” Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “Funny, for Newt’s first wife it was between a woman and a louse.”

Sizzler has filed for bankruptcy protection. Says Steve Tatham, “That’s what happens when you open an all-you-can-eat restaurant so close to the White House.”

Yasser Arafat flew to London this week to insist that he did not kill the Mideast peace process. Says Argus Hamilton, “Today he faces the Oxford Debating Society. They want him to try on the bloody glove.”

It was this week in 1888 that the baseball poem “Casey at the Bat” first appeared in a newspaper. Says Jerry Perisho, “If it were written today, it would be called ‘Casey at His Agent’s Office Determining How Much He Should Get Every Time He Goes to Bat.’ ”

* Adds Charlie Reinke, “And today, after Casey struck out he would immediately enter a substance-abuse program.”

Scientists are seeing the first signs that the hole in the ozone layer is beginning to get smaller. Give credit to Hollywood producers, says Bill Williams. “They’re using so much minoxidil that the fumes are starting to shrink the sky’s bald spot.”

Due to the overwhelming success of the Tony-winning musical “Rent” (about troubled young people), Tatham says they are working on a sequel about troubled middle-aged people, to be called “Mortgage.”

Fox TV has canceled “America’s Most Wanted.” Says Alan Ray, “You could tell the show was in big trouble. During the last few episodes, police went looking for an audience.”

And “The X-Files” is being moved from Friday to Sunday. Says Dennis Miller, “ ‘X-Files’ fans are upset, because they usually spend Sunday nights putting aluminum foil on their heads, standing naked in a field and trying to contact Zoltar the Warp Master.”

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Fat-free jokes: Swiss watchmaker Omega canceled ads in Vogue to protest the magazine’s frequent use of “skeletal” young models. Says Perisho, “The real problem was, the watches kept slipping off the models’ waists.”

Princess Diana has come out against emaciated-looking women appearing on magazine covers. Says Gary Easley, “She’s tired of having all those photographers hounding her.”

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Reader Irving Gussin of Laguna Hills and his wife visited their son and his family in Iowa. Grandson Jeremy, 3, noticed Gussin’s suspenders and earnestly asked:

“Grampa, why are you wearing your seat belts?”