Punch Lines

Oh, THAT $1.4 trillion: The Internal Revenue Service can’t seem to locate $1.4 trillion in tax money it collected:

* “I’ll have to remember that excuse the next time I get audited.” (Paul Steinberg)

* “So now the IRS is going to be audited. I hope they saved every single receipt.” (Jay Leno)

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In the news: President Clinton visited Las Vegas for a fund-raiser. Says Jenny Church, “One casino built a special roulette wheel for him. It keeps spinning while Clinton switches his bet back and forth and back and forth. . . .”

Says Warren Lavendar, “Concerned Republicans are asking Monty Hall to head up a project called ‘Let’s Make a Dole.’ ”

The Federal Elections Commission has delayed giving matching funds to Ross Perot’s party. Says Argus Hamilton, “Perot had the same problem getting his first business loan way back in 1961. The bank wouldn’t accept the voices inside his head as references.”

Staying politically aware is difficult, says Dana Snow. “More people would vote if they had Quick Picks.”

The brokerage firm Smith Barney is being sued for sexual harassment. Says Larry Swerdlow, “Have you heard its new slogan? ‘Smith Barney: We treat women the old-fashioned way.’ ”

An Orange County bus driver who is a vegetarian was fired for refusing to pass out hamburger coupons. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “He may not eat hamburgers, but this lawsuit could be a whopper.”

Yasser Arafat and his wife are reportedly expecting their second child. Says Alan Ray, “Mom and Dad are experiencing what any other PLO family goes through with their first kid --the terrorist twos.”

The family of four who left the “freemen” compound last week was immediately interrogated by two kinds of agents, says Ray: “federal and Hollywood.”

Scientists in Iran have discovered what they believe is the world’s oldest wine. Says Leno, “I believe it was, ‘You never take me anywhere. . . .’ ”

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NBA sideshow: Did you see Dennis Rodman’s latest hairdo: Poor guy, says Alex Kaseberg. “Something really has to be done about the graffiti problem in this country.”

* Adds Hamilton, “Rodman explained the designs in his hair as an AIDS ribbon, a peace sign, a black power symbol, a Pearl Jam logo, and a gay and lesbian symbol. That’s not a hairstyle, it’s a Clinton Cabinet meeting.”

* Adds Ray, “He could miss the next game. When he went up for a rebound in the last one, he suffered a pulled G-string.”

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Reader Michelle Roth of Redondo Beach tells of a classroom visit in which a firefighter taught a roomful of preschoolers how to “stop, drop and roll” during a fire emergency. He concluded by asking, “Now, what do you do if your clothes are on fire?”

One child yelled out:

“Don’t put them on!”