Punch Lines

In the news: Communists are angry that Russian TV ran anti-communist movies on election eve, says Argus Hamilton. “Boris Yeltsin swears he had nothing to do with it. It’s not up to him when AMC runs the Ronald Reagan Film Festival.”

Bob Dole campaigned at a shopping mall in Alabama, where he had a hot dog, fries and a chocolate shake. Says Hy Faber, “And he accuses Bill Clinton of stealing his ideas?”

The murder trial for the Unabomber suspect will take place in California. We already know how it will end, says Hamilton. “A year from now, he’ll be going from golf course to golf course looking for the real Unabomber.”

* Adds Bill Williams, “The prosecution says there’s a probable DNA match using saliva from postage stamps. Watch for the defense to say, ‘If the spit don’t fit, you must acquit.’ ”

Podiatrists say that just as they need jeans with a “skosh” more room, baby boomers need shoes that are roomier too. Says Williams, “St. Peter is planning ahead, too, by providing a skosh more hip room at the Pearly Gates.”

A study at Johns Hopkins says testosterone levels are linked to how well men perform at math. Says Jenny Church, “The scientists studied males in natural surroundings--calculating their own golf scores.”

A guy in Hungary has invented a musical condom. Says Stan Kaplan, “The good news is, it sounds great. The bad news is, your date only wants to dance.”

Canada’s human rights tribunal has ruled that the government must give health benefits to same-sex partners. Says Johnny Robish, “The decision is believed to be in anticipation of Disney buying Canada and turning it into a theme park.”

Disney is planning an EPCOT-type project in Israel. Says Kaplan, “They’re going to call it EPSTEIN.”

Michael Jackson reportedly bought gift certificates for plastic surgery and plans to give them out as Christmas presents. Asks Jimmy McConnell, “What kind of present is that? Some staff member walks up to you and says, ‘Here, Michael thinks you’re ugly. Merry Christmas.’ ”

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Net gains: The Chicago Bulls finally won the NBA title. Says Alex Pearlstein, “It’s the first time a team has gotten congratulations calls from Mr. President and Mr. Blackwell.”

* He adds, “Most experts are calling the Bulls a true dynasty. Predictably, Dennis Rodman wants to be Alexis.”

A 7-foot-tall moose was spotted wandering through the streets of Boston. Says Joe Kevany, “Apparently he heard that the Celtics were in need of a decent center.”

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Reader Betty Hoffmann of Arcadia says her niece Keeley, 3 1/2, went shopping with her mother to pick out Father’s Day presents. “Do I get some?” she asked. No, said Mom, these are for Daddy because it’s Father’s Day. After a moment, Keeley replied:

“But I made him a father.”