Punch Lines

Hey, Mr. Spaceman: Nearly half of all Americans believe the government is hiding evidence of UFOs, a Newsweek survey says.

* “Gee, that would explain those FBI files on ALF and E.T. found at the White House.” (Paul Steinberg)

* “We also believe the government is hiding the name of the planet John Tesh is from.” (Bob Mills)

* “The rest of us believe that aliens took a good look at the U.S. government and concluded that there’s no intelligent life on Earth.” (Jerry Perisho)

Speaking of which, the new movie “Independence Day” raises the question, “Are we alone?” Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “The answer is definitely yes . . . if we’re sitting in a screening of ‘The Cable Guy.’ ”

* Adds Alex Pearlstein, “The special effects in ‘Independence Day’ weren’t complicated. To cast a huge shadow over Washington, the director just filmed Bill Clinton line-drying his jogging shorts.”

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In the news: This week Chelsea Clinton is doing volunteer work in Appalachia. Hillary is in Europe. Says Alan Ray, “The president is in the White House with a good book to read--a little black one.”

Debate is raging over whether the news media should report unsubstantiated rumors about Clinton’s love affairs, among other things, from a new book by a former FBI agent. Says Cutler, “Yes, for one reason: We’ve run out of Hillary seance jokes.”

Appearing on “Live with Regis and Kathie Lee,” says Mills, Bob Dole got cheers when he told Kathie Lee Gifford he doesn’t believe endorsing products made by child labor is addictive.

The FDA plans to confirm that oral contraceptives can be used as a morning-after pill. Says the Funny Scheet, “Announcements about this will be produced by the ‘Leggo My Eggo’ people.”

In Italy, the University of Bologna reported that a birth-control pill for men is feasible. Says Argus Hamilton, “Any time a man tells a woman he’s on the Pill, she’ll know it’s Bologna.”

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention say strawberries with parasites may be causing some people to suffer diarrhea. Says Perisho, “The American Prune Council is considering an infringement suit.”

Microsoft’s new online magazine, Slate, presents at least one technical challenge, says Jenny Church: “Downloading the fragrance samples.”

Joey Buttafuoco says he and his wife are moving to L.A. to further his career in show biz. Says the Funny Scheet, “His agent said the New York market is just way too flooded right now with statutory rapist auto mechanics who are SAG members.”

It looks like David Lee Roth has rejoined Van Halen. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, “Roth was so excited to be back with the band he forgot to take off his Taco Bell uniform.”

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Reader Mel Frazer of Woodland Hills says 4-year-old Dustin, grandson of some friends, recently had a bad day at school. What happened? Dustin was asked. He said he got in trouble for throwing another kid’s clothes across a table. And where was the other kid at the time?

“He was still in his clothes.”