Harkening for Healy’s Opinion of Lasorda’s Performance

When Tom Lasorda retired as Dodger manager, we heard more than one person say, “Too bad Healy isn’t around.”

It was only a few days after the second anniversary of radio broadcaster Jim Healy’s death. Voice-tracks of Lasorda (along with Charles Barkley, Howard Cosell and others) were a big part of Healy’s long-time show. But, in a sense, Healy is still here. Not only are his taped blurbs imprinted permanently on the minds of his fans, but the sounds can now be heard on the Internet web site of one former listener.

We can just imagine how Healy would have covered Lasorda’s departure:

Healy: “Dateline, Chavez Ravine. So Tommy Lasorda is retiring as Dodger manager after 20 years, four pennants and two World Series titles. . . .”

Vin Scully: “I can’t believe it.”

Healy: “No, really, he’s retiring.”

Voice: “Oh, that’s a bunch of bull.”

Healy: “Look, I know it’s hard to believe. And we’re going to miss him, especially his postgame comments. No one could analyze an opposing batter’s performance better than Tommy.”

Lasorda: “What’s my opinion of Kingman’s performance? What the [bleep] do you think is my opinion of it? It think it was [bleeping] [bleep-bleep].”

Healy: “Didn’t mean to rile you up, Tommy. We definitely will not ask you about your decision to pitch to Jack Clark in the playoffs.”

Johnny Carson: “I thought it was [bleeping] brilliant.”

Anonymous voice: “Say what?”

Healy: “Brilliant? Clark hit a 900-foot home run to end the Dodgers’ 1985 season. What was the name of that Dodger pitcher anyway? Was it Niedenfuer?”

Dick Williams: “Niedenfuer, my [bleep].”

Bob Costas: “Look, it’s a wacky business. Who cares?”

Healy: “Well, when the Dodgers lose, the fans care.”

Benoit Benjamin: “I don’t give a [bleep] about the fans.”

Healy: “We know, Benoit. We know. Let’s get back to Lasorda, shall we? Tommy isn’t just an expert on baseball, but on other sports too. Rowing for example.”

Lasorda: “Bevacqua couldn’t hit water if he fell out of a [bleeping] boat.”

Healy: “In fact, with his knowledge of sports and gift of gab, I’ve always thought Tommy would have made a great broadcaster.”

Cosell: “It’s only radio, it’s so simple.”

Healy: “You don’t have to put it that way, How-wahd. Actually, Tommy isn’t leaving baseball anyhow. He’s a vice president. And if the Dodgers are smart, they’ll have him look over some of their minor league affiliates. San Antonio, for instance.”

Ed Bieler: “And, of course, San Antonio has the river, the San . . . what’s the name of the river that goes through . . . the San Antonio River goes through the heart of downtown Los Angeles.”

Nixon imitator: “That’s just plain poppycock.”

Healy: “You tell him, Mr. President. What I’m saying is the Dodgers are going to need some late-season help for the final weeks of the pennant race.”

Jim Harrick: “It’s gonna be another ball-burner.”

Healy: “Well, new Manager Bill Russell is going to get burned if the Dodgers don’t put together a big winning streak. It’s obvious that the rest of the season is a test for him.”

Tim Conway: “Get to the point, would you, Jim?”

Healy: “Well, either he delivers or the Dodgers make someone else manager next season.”

Costas: “Goldberg would love to do it.”

Johnny Grant: “Ah, blow it out.”

Healy: “You tell him, Johnny. There are plenty of qualified candidates out there.”

Mike McGee: “Jim Raveling. George Raveling.”

Healy: “Raveling was a basketball coach.”

Unidentified voice: “You got a problem with that?”

Healy: “No, except we’re talking about baseball.”

Bob Knight: “I’ve forgotten more about this [bleeping] game than all you people combined are ever going to know.”

Healy: “Can we please get back to baseball?”

Unidentified voice: “Yeah, I did.”

Healy: “No, I am, you twit. One thing I wonder about Bill Russell is whether he can inspire the Dodgers. Do they need someone with more emotion?”

Dick Vermeil, sobbing : “I love those guys.”

Healy: “Not that much emotion, Dick. On the other hand, if the Dodgers should catch fire and win the World Series, then Peter O’Malley and Fred Claire would have to rehire Russell.”

Myron Cope: “Yoy and double yoy.”

Lawrence Welk impersonator: “A wunnerful, a wunnerful.”

Healy: “But let’s not jump the gun. I’m not sure a division title is a possibility for this team.”

Charles Barkley: “Bad team, man. Bad [bleeping] team.”

Healy: “Oh, I wouldn’t go that far, Charles. I mean, how can any team with Mike Piazza, Hideo Nomo and Raul Mondesi be bad?”

Barkley: “Bad team, man. Bad [bleeping] team.”

Healy: “Do you mind if I continue, Charles? What’s your problem, anyway? Are you still in a bad mood over your free-agent situation? What I’m saying is, I just don’t understand why they don’t have a better record.”

Cosell: “Who goofed? I’ve got to know.”

Lasorda: “This job is not that [bleeping] easy!”

Healy: “It’s enough to make a manager go the Leonard Tose route.”

Ed Garvey: “Leonard Tose has lost it.”

Healy: “Sometimes you wonder if the Dodgers always come to play.”

Jerome Brown: “We didn’t come here to act monkeys for everybody.”

Healy: “On the other hand. . . .”

Chick Hearn: “We’ve got to get off the air.”

Healy: “Did you hear that folks? The dreaded 6 o’clock tone is coming up. Let’s stop a second and enjoy that magnificent sound.”

Sound of tone.

Healy: “OK, as I was saying, maybe the Dodgers have been overrated. Maybe their personnel isn’t as good as some other teams.”

Jimmy Johnson: “How about them Cowboys!”

Healy: “Now we’re talking about football? I was referring to the Atlanta Braves. You know what state they’re from, right?”

Sound of Willie Nelson singing: “Georgia, Georgia. . . .”

Healy: “Very good. Even a USC Brain Surgeon could get that question right on a test. Especially if he had someone else taking the test for him.”

Cosell imitator: “Jim Healy, that’s your lowest shot ever.”

Healy: “Coming from you, How-wahd, that’s a compliment. Jim Healy. Good night.”

Forty sound bites from the Jim Healy show can be heard on the Internet web site of Matt White, located at https://www.voicenet.com/~mttwhite.