Punch Lines

Conventional wisdom: Opening night at the GOP convention was such a tear-jerker, says Alex Kaseberg, “For a second I was afraid we were all having an Enberg Moment relapse.”

* “You don’t see that many white faces at a John Tesh concert.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “Nancy Reagan was spotted backstage giving Elizabeth Dole tips on how to stretch state-dinner leftovers with Caviar Helper.” (Bob Mills)

* “The GOP platform is so narrow, it’s not a platform--it’s a balance beam.” (Jenny Church)

* “Nothing about the Jack Kemp nomination is being left to chance. Bob Dole’s speech writers have appointed Terry Bradshaw as the campaign’s director of football metaphors.” (Mills)

* “Kemp’s devotion to supply-side economics has analysts calling him Ronald Reagan’s heir apparent. I guess Dole’s touching up his gray makes him Reagan’s hair apparent.” (Gary Easley)

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In the news: Cuban President Fidel Castro turned 70 on Tuesday. Says Argus Hamilton, “When he came to power, Eisenhower was president, ‘I Love Lucy’ was No. 1 and Bill Clinton was promising more recess and less homework.”

The president pleased environmentalists Monday when he got rid of a gold mine at Yellowstone. Says Hamilton, “It was classic Clinton. He got the guy to trade his gold mine for a beautiful vacation home on a river in Arkansas.”

They finally figured out what caused the big power outage last weekend, says Jay Leno. “To get O.J. ready for his upcoming civil trial, his lawyers hooked him up to a lie detector and BAM! Nine states. . . .”

A study shows that Internet use can be addictive. Says Easley, “There’s a 12-step program for Net junkies. The first step is to acknowledge that there is a higher power, and his name is Bill Gates.”

A medical report says passengers on long flights should avoid alcohol and carbonated drinks. Says the Funny Scheet, “If you really want to relax on a long flight, you should just order a couple of Scotch-and-sodas for that mouthy kid in the seat behind you.”

A man in New York robbed a guy using a zucchini in a paper bag. Asks Jimmy McConnell, “How does that work? Does the guy shove the zucchini in your face and say, ‘Gimme your money or I’ll lower your cholesterol!’?”

Hairdressers competed at the annual “Hair Olympics” in Washington, D.C. Says Church, “The opening ceremony climaxed with the traditional plugging-in of the Olympic Curling Iron. Champions win gold, silver or bronze . . . highlights. And the mascot is Izzy’s sister, Frizzy.”

A survey by AAA says New York and the District of Columbia have the nation’s worst-maintained bridges. Says Alex Pearlstein, “California was dropped from the list after Lloyd, Jeff and Beau went in for those physicals last year.”

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Reader Margaret Rose of Malibu says she knew it was time for a haircut when she overheard her 3 1/2-year-old grandson asking his mother:

“What’s wrong with Grandma’s hair? She looks like a monster!”