One Last Twist on Summer ’96

Does the fact that Time, Newsweek and The Times’ Sunday Calendar section have all recently looked ahead to next summer’s movie lineups mean that the studios’ fall lineups must really reek? Or are we all in denial about the fact that we may have to start putting a little thought into our filmgoing experiences and are instead pining for an endless summer of no-brainer blockbusters?

Since answering that question might require some earnest introspection, we’ll skip it. Instead, we offer this fond remembrance of summer ‘96, which was eradicating every box-office record in the book until a bunch of athletes--with complete disregard for all the dedicated, hard-working people in Hollywood--got together and engaged in competitive beach volleyball and synchronized-swimming routines, all in the name of global peace.

Even though August at movie theaters may have lured in fewer viewers than the Republican convention, that doesn’t dampen our enthusiasm for all that went before. Any summer that brought us a movie (“Twister”) that made $200 million even though it features a character who has accepted a job as a TV weatherman actually complaining of a colleague, “He’s in it for the money, not the science!” is a summer worth reliving one more time.

Herewith, for the summer movies that are guaranteed not to win any prestigious awards, our awards--the Crassies, honoring everything that is good and noble about silly, big-budgeted schlock:

For achievement in ending a career that had no business existing in the first place: “Barb Wire.”

For achievement in making dialogue a completely irrelevant element of summer movies: A tie--”Twister” and “Mission: Impossible.” Both films came to a grinding halt whenever the characters slowed down long enough to trade lines: “Twister” because the dialogue was truly special in its idiocy and “Mission: Impossible” because none of it made an ounce of sense.

For achievement in making a halfhearted effort to portray intelligence as acceptable in contemporary society: “Phenomenon.” Which failed, since it also said, “Being smart is more deadly than being dumb.” And John Travolta’s performance was a cross between Stephen Hawking and a Smurf. But thanks for trying.

For achievement in missing the point of your movie completely and giving Bob Dole some gratuitous cannon fodder: Demi Moore in “Striptease.” Hint, Demi--it was a comedy. It wasn’t about your body.

For achievement in miscasting in a movie not starring Demi Moore: “Chain Reaction.” Does the fact that Keanu Reeves thought this would be a smart career choice but turned down “Speed 2” mean that “Speed 2” will be good or really, really stink? Runner-up: Meg Ryan in “Courage Under Fire.” Someone refers to her character as “butch.” Now, Ryan may be many, many things, but one thing she will never, ever, be is “butch.”

For achievement in frittering away a once admirable career on warmed-over schmaltz: Francis Ford Coppola, with “Jack.” Runner-up: Robin Williams, with “Jack.”

For achievement in sensitively exploring the delicate issue of race relations in the United States: Every film except “A Time to Kill.” Whose jackhammer approach led one to suspect that all the advance hype over heartthrob Matthew McConaughey was merely carefully wrought subterfuge to divert everyone’s attention away from just how preposterous the story line actually was.

For achievement in cynical make-overs of advertising campaigns: “Lone Star,” which put McConaughey, who’s in the movie for, oh, a good three minutes, front and center in its advertising immediately after “A Time to Kill” was released. Chris Cooper, who actually did star in the movie, pretty much disappeared from the ads at that point.

For achievement in marketing, defying potential moviegoers to see its product division: “Carpool.” Look at that print ad. Find just one element in it that suggests that the movie might be an iota less than excruciating. Did David Paymer actually agree to allowing them to use that expression on his face? Runner-up: “Fled,” which was shot in Atlanta and might possibly attract some folks from the area who might want to see their hometown on film, but just happened to be released on, yes, the same day the Atlanta Summer Olympics began.

For achievement in creating a catchy, if thoroughly meaningless, ad tag line: “The Phantom’s” “Slam Evil.” Runner-up: “Fled’s” “See How They Fled.”

For achievement in making the most bewildering career move: Dennis Miller, for appearing in “Tales From the Crypt Presents Bordello of Blood.” Look, Dennis, I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but I don’t remember your act really appealing to pre-pubescent males or your fans being the type who just eat up the horror stuff.

For achievement in badly imitating Robert De Niro: Robert De Niro in “The Fan.”

For achievement in shamelessly plugging other product: “Sunset Park,” produced by Jersey Films, run in part by Danny DeVito, who produced and starred in a movie called “Get Shorty.” DeVito’s wife, Rhea Perlman, speaks of a character named Shorty in “Sunset Park,” blurting out with alarming frequency, “Forget Shorty! Forget Shorty!” Runner-up: “Independence Day,” produced by Fox, which stocked multiplexes with giant standees that contained mini-ads for “Courage Under Fire” and “Chain Reaction.”

For achievement in breaking our hearts and not opening when we expected them to: “Gone Fishing” and “The Relic,” promising loads of mirthless slapstick comedy and silly scientific mumbo jumbo justifying lots of violence, respectively. Oh well, they’re both now due in January, which means we can blow off all those highbrow Oscar contenders and enjoy a swell summer movie this winter.