Changing Diapers, Chasing Diplomas

Having a child with an adult man struck the group of young high school girls as almost unfathomable.

“How can a teenager raise a child?” one asked.

“They should wait until they get married,” interjected a friend.

“Sex at an early age just isn’t right,” another said softly.

But motherhood is a reality for thousands of Orange County teenagers, whose stories are laced with tragedies, hope and questions.

The issue of teen pregnancy has taken a new twist recently, as the Orange County Social Services Agency acknowledged that it had helped pregnant adolescents under its protection marry or resume living with the men who had made them pregnant, instead of treating the girls as the victims of statutory rape of child molestation.

The resulting controversy triggered debates among county and state officials who are investigating the agency’s practice.

But differences of opinion weren’t limited to the adults debating the practice. While the situation was completely foreign to one group of high school girls, it was not at all alien to another gathering of teenage mothers at a high school class in San Juan Capistrano.

Kaymi Heflin, a 16-year-old mom who had broken up with her son’s 20-year-old father before discovering she was pregnant, was hesitant to join the chorus condemning the unions made possible by the county social workers.

“It really rests upon the case,” said Heflin, of Laguna Beach. “They have to look at the background of the couple.”

Although marriage to her son’s father wasn’t an option, Heflin said she chose to keep the baby, because she strongly opposes abortion and didn’t want to give up her child for adoption.

Heflin said the unplanned birth of her son, Sky, has been both a blessing and a challenge in her life. At only 16, she speaks about her parental responsibilities like a woman well beyond her 20s.

“I always say, ‘You can’t play house, and not pick up the mess,’ ” said Heflin, who lives with her mother, stepfather and two younger siblings. “If you’re sexually active, then you have to be able to face the consequences.”

Heflin doesn’t regret her breakup with Sky’s father.

“It wasn’t a healthy relationship,” she said. “Marriage should come as a natural intention, not just because a child was born.”

Heflin’s mother has agreed to support her while she is finishing high school through independent studies this semester. Meanwhile, she is engaged to another man, who works as a deckhand. They plan to wed in December.

Marriage has also been very much on the mind of a 15-year-old Santa Ana girl, who like Heflin was attending school this day. The girl, who spoke on condition that her identity not be revealed, is raising her 5-month-old daughter with her mother and grandmother.

The girl met her 21-year-old boyfriend three years ago at a family function. He was her first sexual partner, and she vows he will be her only.

“I wasn’t forced into it,” she said, lowering her glassy brown eyes. “I wasn’t ready [to have sex], but I wanted to start a real relationship with him.”

The two are still seeing each other but live with their respective families. He visits on weekends, and they plan to marry after she graduates from high school. She speaks confidently about their future as a family.

“He takes care of her,” she said. “It’s not just my responsibility but it’s his too. He’s a really nice guy.”

But the teenage girl bears the brunt of parental responsibility throughout the week.

On a typical day, she wakes by 5 a.m. to dress and bathe her pony-tailed daughter. She then walks the child to the baby sitter down the street. By 7:15 sharp, she catches a transit bus to make it to classes at the Santa Ana Unified School District teen parenting program.

When she returns home around 1, she bathes the toddler, cooks for her, feeds her, does laundry and washes the milk bottles. When the baby is tucked in bed by 8, the teen opens her school books and begins her homework.

And when the baby needs to visit the doctor, the teen arranges to take the baby before or after school via the bus.

“It’s hard to be a mom,” she said. “Sometimes I ask myself, ‘Why did I do this? I don’t have time for myself.’ ”

These girls’ cases are among the more promising ones, said Diana Springer-Walker, program director at Santa Ana Unified’s teen parenting program. Teenage girls who continue to go to school during or after their pregnancies are more likely to secure their futures.

But there are countless cases of teens who drop out of school and raise children without a complete education or vocational skills.

Studies estimate that 4,000 teenage girls in Orange County are pregnant or have given birth so far this year. At Santa Ana’s teen parenting program, about 100 girls enroll annually, but usually only half of them graduate.

All these teens share the similar struggle of raising a child, but each comes from a different background. Many arrive with poor grades, while others are college bound. Some are as young as 12. Others are too young to legally drive. And the rest are barely old enough to apply for a job.

“There’s no one approach to these girls,” Springer-Walker said.

Health issues, sex education, birth control and job training are all important measures to try to prevent teen pregnancies, experts said. But the psychological baggage that many of these girls often carry drives them to act out.

Some of their family lives are disturbing.

Michelle Amerson’s father abandoned the family when her mother was pregnant with her first child. When asked whether the government should intervene in teen-adult relationships to ensure that the men help care for the babies, Amerson said, “You can’t really ensure anything. I had a father who left and never paid anything. He left when my mom was eight months pregnant with me.”

Amerson, 17, is seven months pregnant. The father of her child is a friend of her mother’s boyfriend.

And Sarah Quam, 17, already has a 4-month-old girl. She kicked a drug habit three years ago and now is trying to plan a future for her baby and boyfriend.

Many of these teens’ stories resonate with a need to find stability in their volatile lives. Although most pregnancies are unplanned, the girls are usually aware they can have a child. And so they imagine that the baby growing inside their bodies may fill the void in their lives. But a child doesn’t repair the damage.

“Their stories are so eloquent and so heartbreaking,” said Trish Levine, a licensed marriage therapist and a teacher at Santa Ana’s teen parenting program. “You’ll hear most of them say they thought it would be wonderful to be a mother. And they later admit it hasn’t worked out that way at all.”

Most teen moms are part of a history of pain and mishaps.

“I wasn’t the beginning of the problem,” said Heflin, the 16-year-old mom whose father left her when she was 3. “I don’t hold it against him. But there was that insufficient feeling, a lack of someone to talk to. There was a lot of wondering of who to model my partners after.”

Neglect breeds emptiness. But some parents fail to give their children enough attention because of cultural gaps, added Levine, who works in the Santa Ana teen program that serves mostly Latinas.

“These girls wish their parents went to an open house, or had gone to parent conferences. Some of their parents are not involved in school. They don’t speak the language. But they certainly love their children,” she said.

“These girls come from large families, and that’s traditional from where they come from. They meet older men in their neighborhoods. A baby is a piece of good news down here. But what works in a small Mexican village does not work in an industrial society.”

The 15-year-old Latina mom agreed that family life has always been important in her upbringing. Even though her mother did not condone her young pregnancy, the girl said the family has been supportive of her situation.

“It’s a total reality that young girls like me are having kids,” Heflin said. “Most of us probably would wait if we could do it over. But I believe bad things happen for good reasons.”