Punch Lines

Did not! Did too! A 6-year-old North Carolina boy who kissed a girl on the cheek was suspended from school on grounds of sexual harassment. Says Alex Kaseberg, “In addition, the child was sued for slander and charged with intent to commit arson after he yelled, ‘Liar, liar, pants on fire!’ ”

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In the news: A woman hijacked a taxi this week and held the driver hostage for five hours. Says Paul Ecker, “Good news: The driver escaped unharmed. Bad news: The meter was running the whole time.”

Bob Dole is campaigning merrily along. Says Alan Ray, “He knows where he’ll be come Inauguration Day. He’ll raise his hand and repeat those familiar words: ‘I’ve got bingo!’ ”

Hillary Rodham Clinton received her first royalty check for “It Takes a Village.” Just in time, says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “With Chelsea about to graduate, Hillary’s working on her next book, ‘It Takes a Fortune to Send a Kid to College.’ ”

After Air Force pilot Scott Grady was shot down, he survived by eating ants and drinking rainwater squeezed out of his dirty socks. Says Argus Hamilton, “Don’t wince. It’s the only meal ever approved by the Center for Science in the Public Interest.”

A new survey says the leading form of birth control is the pill. Says Cutler, “Laughing when you see him naked has also proven popular and effective.”

Pope John Paul II, 76, has to have an appendix operation. Says Bill Maher, “With all due respect, you go 76 years without sex, something is going to burst.”

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TV news: Congress recently voted against same-sex marriages but that won’t stop Hollywood, says Hamilton. “ABC is about to unveil a new sitcom called ‘Grace Under Ellen.’ ”

Reviews for the new NBC comedy “Mr. Rhodes” were so bad, says Premiere Morning Sickness, “TV executives are already calling it ‘Mr. Hit-the-Rhodes.’ ”

The Olympia Daily World offers this short guide to some of the other new TV shows:

* “Dangerous Minds”--not the story of Ross Perot.

* “Clueless”--not about the Bob Dole campaign.

* “Men Behaving Badly”--not a biography of Bill Clinton.

“Frasier” star Kelsey Grammer may face drunk-driving charges after he flipped his car. Says Hamilton, “Now you know why ‘Cheers’ never showed what happened to its regulars after they left the bar.”

* Adds Charlie Reinke, “His publicist insisted he was merely auditioning for ‘Rescue 911.’ ”

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Reader Claudia Sermen~o of Costa Mesa says she got sick recently and lost her voice so completely she could hardly make a sound. Her 4-year-old brother couldn’t understand why she couldn’t talk. “What happened to your voice, Claudia?” he asked. “I lost it,” she replied. Still puzzled, he asked:

“Did you swallow it?”