Punch Lines

Bozo’s Big Top: Politics really is the greatest show on Earth, says Kenny Noble. “When Bob Dole called President Clinton ‘Bozo,’ what he meant was ‘Ronald McDonald.’ ”

How ‘bout that vice presidential debate? The two candidates couldn’t be more different, says Alan Ray. “One has been out of the limelight for four years. The other used to play pro football.”

According to a new book on relationships, one out of every five men in America is stuck in a relationship he can’t wait to get out of. Says Steve Voldseth, “But enough about Jack Kemp.”

What’s next, asks the Cutler Daily Scoop, a debate between Clinton’s cat, Socks, and Dole’s dog, Leader? “Ross Perot is suing to make sure Aarty the Job-Sucking Aardvark is included. To prepare, Socks is holding mock debates with Dick Morris playing Leader.”

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In the news: Anaheim voted to spend millions to help Disney expand its Orange County empire with a second theme park. Says Paul Ecker, “Over at Disneyland, the whole crew was heard singing, ‘It’s not a small world after all, it’s not a small world after all. . . . ‘ “

The American League playoff opener between the Orioles and the Yankees was rained out. Says Argus Hamilton, “The umpires got soaked in the downpour. Major league baseball stuck to its policy and suspended God for five games.”

Los Angeles unveiled its new “stealth” bus, made from materials similar to those used in the B-2 bomber. Says Jenny Church, “L.A. has had stealth buses for years. You can wait at a bus stop all day and never see one.”

On TV, Mark Fuhrman apologized for using offensive language. Says Hamilton, “If he’s man enough to say he’s sorry, maybe O.J. can apologize for driving so slow on the San Diego Freeway and we can all get on with our lives out here.”

CBS placed first in the weekly Nielsens! Says Cutler, “Nobody’s laughing at CBS this year . . . just like nobody was laughing at its comedies last year.”

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Ancient wisdom: This week marks the anniversary of the birth of famed Chinese philosopher Confucius in 551 BC. Says Jerry Perisho, “Many of his wise statements still apply today.” Among them:

* “He who spits in the face of authority will suffer great penalty . . . after the playoffs, of course.”

* “When facing opposition with no original thoughts, always demand the other guy’s medical records.”

* “When facing unimaginable struggles and you have no idea what to do, bring back Cosby.”

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Reader Jane Killeen of Camarillo says great-granddaughter Stephanie, 4 1/2, insisted on saying grace before lunch, like they do at her playmate’s house. She recited:

“God is great, God is good, let us spank him for this food.”