On Their Own

“I’m bored.” “I’m lonely.” “I’m scared.”

These are the three most common remarks Trudy Dana hears when she talks to youngsters who are not ready to stay home by themselves. The Lynnwood, Wash., crime prevention officer and author of “Safe and Sound: A Parent’s Guide to the Care of Children Home Alone” (McGraw-Hill, 1988), has talked about safety and staying home alone to thousands of children over 18 years. She finds that it’s the children who are immature and unprepared who will most likely suffer lasting negative consequences from being left on their own.

But Dana also finds that children who are well equipped physically and emotionally for self-care do gain from the experience. “It makes them feel self-reliant and confident,” she says. “It gives them a sense of power and freedom that they are trusted. They feel they are contributing to the family.”

It’s estimated up to 12 million children between the ages of 5 and 13 are home alone for some period of time every day. Most experts say children can stay by themselves in measured amounts by the time they reach 9 or 10, yet every situation depends on its own circumstances.

“Unattended youngsters are more likely to get involved in drugs and alcohol and experiment with early sexual behavior,” Dana says.

And, according to the National Crime Prevention Council, children home alone are about three times more likely to be victimized, be involved in accidents, or engage in delinquent behavior than children who are supervised.

Your child’s ability to follow your rules, knowledge of emergency procedures and neighborhood, and support system all factor into the decision.

“It’s not easy leaving your child at home,” says Lt. James Cypert, crime prevention specialist with the Los Angeles Police Department. “The reality is with parents working, children have to be more responsible and parents are absolutely under obligation to go through this stuff with their children. Anything can happen in two hours. Families have to look at their own situation.”

Modern conveniences like pagers, cell phones and alarm systems can take some of the fear out of leaving children to fend for themselves, but experts say planning and preparation are critical. Children need to know more than how to call 911. Experts suggest open communication and training in emergency procedures.

“No matter how old children are, they need that sense of security that parents are reachable,” says Rene Gonzalez, director of psychological services for the Los Angeles Unified School District. “Checking in and having a schedule once the child arrives at home is very important.”

There should be an established routine whether it includes homework, chores, extracurricular activities or being with friends, Gonzales says.

Staying home alone is a proving ground toward the independence so many adolescents crave. Gonzales suggests parents try it out in small doses.

As did San Fernando Valley psychologist Peter Fisk with his daughters, ages 9 and 11. “At first my wife and I would take a short walk, then come back to check on them. After a while we’d go for a short drive. If we are gone for more than an hour we check in. The biggest issues for us were safety procedures and being able to contact us.

“Not unlike any other change in a person’s life the girls sometimes feel ambivalent about being left at home,” Fisk says. “They have the desire and goal to be more independent and at the same time they may feel a little scared.”

Do what’s necessary to make your children feel safe, he says.

“Many parents get additional locks or put in alarm systems,” Dana says. “Beef up security in the windows and doors. Get the support of your neighbors, friends, family and co-workers. Make sure your child has a long list of people to call.”

It’s essential that parents know what’s going on in their absence, she says. “Ask pointed and leading questions in a nonthreatening way. Often if youngsters know the family is going through a hard time, they don’t want to burden the parents with their concerns. The child should feel they can share their problems too.”