Punchlines

Play ball! The World Series opened Sunday with a 12-1 rout by the Braves. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “It took 130 years, but this time Atlanta burned the Yankees.”

Heavy rain kept the series from starting on Saturday. Says Alex Pearlstein, “Naturally, Sunday morning George Steinbrenner stormed into church and threatened to fire God.”

The Yankees got a police helicopter to hover over the wet grass all day until the field was dry. Says Argus Hamilton, “That’s very impressive. It takes Betty Ford 28 days to dry out the Yankee outfield.”

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In the news: Not only is Bob Dole getting clobbered in the polls, says Bob Mills, “Now the color-coded maps are showing his states in black and blue.”

An elephant at the Los Angeles Zoo stepped on a handler during training. Says Hamilton, “Elephants everywhere are snapping at their handlers. If they want to go negative, then they’ll go negative.”

The Supreme Court refused to review the Clinton administration’s policy on gays in the military. Says Steve Tatham, “When asked why, they wouldn’t tell.”

It’s rumored that tobacco giants Philip Morris and RJR Nabisco want to buy Forest Lawn, says Morris Moskow. “Their slogan will be ‘Ride a Camel to Marlboro Country.’ ”

A proposal by a San Francisco supervisor would allow the city to have sex clubs, as long as they follow safe-sex procedures. Says Gary Easley, “Such a law would mean if you’re going to San Francisco, be sure to wear more than flowers in your hair.”

McDonald’s will soon start serving its Quarter Pounder in an eco-friendly package made of potato starch. Says Stan Kaplan, “Smart diners will toss the burger and eat the wrapper.”

Kato Kaelin had to have his appendix removed. Says Hamilton, “It’s basically a useless organ that serves no particular function. But it’s a real shame to break up a matched set.”

After a month’s delay, the trashing of four episodes and a complete revamping, the CBS sitcom “Ink” finally premiered Monday night. Says Mills, “Rewrites were so extensive, the producers considered renaming the show ‘Pencil.’ ”

The movie “Twister” has touched down in video stores. Says Johnny Robish, “Meteorologists warn that it’s full of gratuitous storms.”

Ellen DeGeneres will return as host of the Grammys. In addition, says Alex Kaseberg, “CBS plans to feature her in more dramatic roles. That’s right, Ellen is going to announce that she is a thespian.”

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Reader Duane Maybay of Irvine says daughter Karen, 4 1/2, loves to ride coin-operated mechanical horses. One day she got the chance to ride a real pony. It was fun at first. Then she got tired and shouted:

“How do we turn it off, Daddy?”