Punch Lines

In the news: Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy is in trouble for trying to illegally sublet her old apartment. Says Argus Hamilton, “You can’t blame her. Kennedys come and go but a rent-controlled apartment in New York comes along only once in a lifetime.”

The World Series is being fiercely fought. Says Alan Ray, “Historically, the Yankees have a starter who goes five innings, a middle reliever who goes three and a closer who ends the game. But enough about their managers.”

Bob Dole tried to cut a deal with Ross Perot in which Perot would drop out of the campaign:

* “Listen. You hear that giant sucking-up sound?” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “I’ve got a better idea: Just kidnap Larry King.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “They should flip a coin: The loser drops out of the race and the winner goes on to lose all 50 states to Clinton.” (Hamilton)

Al Gore’s gardener was arrested for being in the U.S. illegally. Says Hamilton, “It’s embarrassing. But if you think that’s bad, wait’ll they find out he gave $500,000 to the Democratic National Committee.”

The IRS is studying a plan to offer taxpayers the option of letting the feds compute your income tax for you. Says Jenny Church, “The IRS doing your taxes? That’d be like having Jack Kevorkian do your physical.”

The Wall Street firm of Smith Barney is being sued by 24 female employees, who charge sexual harassment and discrimination. Says Jay Leno, “At Smith Barney, they make money the old-fashioned way: They underpay the women.”

A government study shows that price scanners at grocery stores are wrong about 5% of the time, but most of the errors favor the customer. Says Cutler, “So shut up already!”

Debate is raging over the fate of a 9,300-year-old skeleton called Richland Man. Scientists want to study him, American Indian tribes insist that he should be respectfully buried.

* “And Russian officials insist that he is alive and well.” (Church)

* “Medical tests reveal that he survived a spear wound but died when his HMO ruled that it was a preexisting condition and refused to treat it.” (Bob Mills)

According to a new survey, 35% of men think having sex is a good way to end an argument:

* “Especially if the argument was over whether to have sex.” (Leno)

* “I’m not sure if it’s true, but it would sure make those televised presidential debates more interesting.” (Steve Voldseth)

* “The other 65% think having sex is a good way to end an introduction.” (Voldseth)

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Reader Susan Blackman of Simi Valley was visited by her sister Julie a week after Blackman gave birth to her third child. Julie was teasing Garrett, 4, that she loved his new baby sister so much she wanted to take her home. You can’t do that, Garrett told his aunt:

“Because it takes too long to grow another one.”