This Will Ensure an All-Time Argument

The “50 Greatest NBA Players of All Time” were announced Tuesday, not by some magazine, not by some contest, but by the NBA itself. The NBA obviously has a lot of free time on its hands.

It is a list that includes such active NBA immortals as Shaquille O’Neal, Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, David Robinson, Karl Malone and John Stockton, who have racked up zero championships among them. Congratulations, men. You make up more than 10% of the Dream Team of all time.

It is a list, meanwhile, that does not include such “Gee, I Sure Thought They Were Superstars” as, oh, Bob Lanier, Dan Issel, Bob McAdoo, Connie Hawkins, Walt Bellamy, Bill Bradley and a few others I could name. (All right, Gail Goodrich, Dominique Wilkins, Tommy Heinsohn, Jack Twyman, Calvin Murphy, K.C. Jones, Bob “Butterbean” Love . . .)

My way, I guess, the list turns into the “63 Greatest NBA Players of All Time,” which doesn’t have much of a ring to it.

And even then, I’ll put Jerry Sloan and Paul Silas against any two of those 63 bums and dare them to score.

I like lists like this. I like 50 Best this, 100 Worst that. I even like it when a magazine named Movieline lists the “100 Greatest Films of All Time” and includes Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “True Lies,” which, I am sure, everyone equates with “Citizen Kane,” “Casablanca” and “Gone With the Wind” when we discuss the classics.

I even understood when Buzz magazine recently named “The 100 Coolest People in L.A.” and left out my name, throwing in cool people like Bruce Springsteen and Tom Snyder instead. (Two writers from my newspaper did make the list, neither of whom, to my knowledge, has ever once written about Bob “Butterbean” Love.)

It takes guts to list the 50 best or 50 worst of anything. But for an actual league to go out on a limb this way, well, let’s just say the NBA has a lot of, mmmm, basketballs, putting out this list, if you get my drift.

You know HBO or ESPN would turn this into a two-hour TV show, given the chance. “The 50 Greatest NBA Players of All Time,” with your host, Whoopi Goldberg. Somehow I have an image of Commissioner David Stern at a lectern, having announced the first 49 winners, with Lanier, Issel and McAdoo on the edge of their seat, as Stern announces into the microphone: “Hal Greer!”

I see Lanier stomping out of the room, in size 24 shoes.

I see Issel turning to McAdoo to say, “This is what I get for playing in Denver.”

I see McAdoo saying: “Doo out-did all 50 of ‘em.”

From the dais, Wilt Chamberlain’s eyes would be scanning the room, looking for sequels to his book, while George Mikan sat beside Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Elgin Baylor, Magic Johnson, Jerry West and James Worthy, asking what a Laker has to do to get his retired jersey up on a wall. Charles Barkley would be bugging poor Paul Arizin--”Man, WHO are you again?”--while Bill Sharman, Bob Pettit and Dolph Schayes would patiently explain to him that, no, a basketball team in the 1950s did not travel by ox-cart.

John Havlicek would discuss defense with George Gervin--actually, explain to him what it is--while Walt Frazier informed Clyde Drexler that he was Clyde before Clyde could glide. Kevin McHale would make a joke, like, “Think they got enough Boston guys on this team?” while somewhere in the audience, Dennis Johnson shook his head no.

At his side, Adrian Dantley would wonder how in the heck he could score 23,177 points and not get a call.

Alex English could say, “Oh, yeah? Try 25,613.”

Out in the lobby, Bernard King would wonder what Scottie Pippen’s got that he hasn’t got--four rings?--while Dennis Rodman would model his new dress for Bernard and ask him why Pete Maravich wore his socks that way. Suddenly, they hear laughter from inside. It is coming from Shaquille O’Neal, who, face to face with Rick Barry, is saying, “You shot your free throws HOW?”

Baylor, Hayes and Johnson would be introduced to one another.

“Elgin, Elvin. Elvin, Earvin. Earvin, Elgin.”

And Earl Monroe would just stay out of it.

I admire the concept, not to mention the NBA’s nerve, in endeavoring to single out the 50 best. There is a very, very, very strong Boston presence on this squad, so much of one that I think Sam Jones belongs on this team, but I wonder how Chet Walker, David Thompson and Calvin Murphy feel about it.

And what of Hall of Famers such as Cliff Hagan, Frank Ramsey, Clyde Lovellette . . . how can they compare with Shaq and his four-year career? How can dinosaurs survive in a modern world, where people think Easy Ed Macauley was that kid from “Home Alone.” Kevin Garnett looked good last season. Maybe he could have made the 50 before he turned 20.

It is not a bad list, all in all. I am shocked by only three things, really, Lanier being left out, Issel being left out, and Bill Walton being, as far as I can tell, the only Clipper.

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NBA’s 50 Greatest

The 50 greatest players in NBA history, announced by the league Tuesday:

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, center

Nate Archibald, guard

Paul Arizin, forward-guard

Charles Barkley, forward

Rick Barry, forward

Elgin Baylor, forward

Dave Bing, guard

Larry Bird, forward

Wilt Chamberlain, center

Bob Cousy, guard

Dave Cowens, center

Billy Cunningham, forward

Dave DeBusschere, forward

Clyde Drexler, guard

Julius Erving, forward

Patrick Ewing, center

Walt Frazier, guard

George Gervin, guard

Hal Greer, guard

John Havlicek, forward-guard

Elvin Hayes, forward-center

Magic Johnson, guard

Sam Jones, guard

Michael Jordan, guard

Jerry Lucas, forward-center

Karl Malone, forward

Moses Malone, center

Pete Maravich, guard

Kevin McHale, forward

George Mikan, center

Earl Monroe, guard

Hakeem Olajuwon, center

Shaquille O’Neal, center

Robert Parish, center

Bob Pettit, forward

Scottie Pippen, forward

Willis Reed, center

Oscar Robertson, guard

David Robinson, center

Bill Russell, center

Dolph Schayes, forward-center

Bill Sharman, guard

John Stockton, guard

Isiah Thomas, guard

Nate Thurmond, center-forward

Wes Unseld, center-forward

Bill Walton, center

Jerry West, guard

Lenny Wilkens, guard

James Worthy, forward

*

Notable players not on the NBA’s 50 greatest list:

Walt Bellamy, center

Adrian Dantley, forward

Alex English, forward

Artis Gilmore, center

Gail Goodrich, guard

Connie Hawkins, forward

Dan Issel, center

Dennis Johnson, guard

Gus Johnson, forward

Bernard King, forward

Bob Lanier, center

Bob McAdoo, forward

Dominique Wilkins, forward

George Yardley, forward