Sharing Can Ease the Heartbreak of Caring for a Spouse

Margy and Joe Kleinerman of Brea had great dreams for their retirement. They planned to travel the world, visit friends, enjoy their grown children.

But it wasn’t long after Joe Kleinerman’s 1987 retirement from Cerritos College, where he was a counselor, that he started showing the first signs of illness. He eventually developed Alzheimer’s disease. Margy Kleinerman’s life has been largely reduced to taking care of him.

There has been frustration, and sometimes even anger at what has happened to her. “We had all these dreams, and they were just destroyed,” she said.

But Margy Kleinerman, a retired elementary school teacher, found something to help her cope. Last year, she discovered the Well Spouse Foundation, which has chapters across the country. She’s gotten so involved that she and a friend, Pat Oswald, a few months ago started their own chapter in Brea.

“I had no idea how many young people have spouses who are disabled, many with Lou Gehrig’s disease,” she said after returning from the group’s recent national convention in Cherry Hill, N.J. “Joe and I had a lot of great years, so I’ve got wonderful memories to fall back on. But some of these people had so little time together.”

Kleinerman first read about the Well Spouse Foundation in a magazine for seniors. She attended a meeting in Huntington Beach and was greatly impressed.

“The atmosphere is very upbeat,” she said. “They emphasize taking care of your own needs. Go see a movie if you want. Because you can’t take care of him if you let yourself get ill.”

The Well Spouse Foundation’s motto is “When one is sick, two people need help.” Kleinerman said her children have been wonderfully supportive, but she found bonds within the Well Spouse Foundation that could be created only with other spouses who have been through the same thing.

Kleinerman’s problem was that Huntington Beach was so far away. So she and Oswald, whose husband is paralyzed, decided to start their own group.

Its first meeting attracted only four people. But when Kleinerman mentioned that at the national convention, she was told not to worry: Every group has to start somewhere.

Now the Brea chapter is about to have its second meeting, Thursday at 1:30 p.m. at the Clubhouse in the Glenbrook neighborhood. Kleinerman said spouses in similar situations interested in attending can call her at (714) 529-4201.

“We want to be an upbeat group,” she said. “We just think we can help each other.”

Kleinerman’s husband now is in a residential care facility. He thinks he’s there because of a hip injury, and that he’ll be going home soon. His family knows he won’t.

I asked Margy Kleinerman to tell me a little about her husband. Joe Kleinerman is a native of Romania. He was the foreign students counselor at Cerritos College, where he’d been on staff for 30 years. He was fluent in five languages. He was always a strong role model for his children. He’s 72. “He knows who we are,” she said, “but if the children go visit him, he just says, ‘Your mother is at a meeting.’ It’s hard. But we deal with it the best we can.”

Ol’ Waylon’s Tale: When Waylon Jennings was a guest on a Neil Diamond TV special a few months ago, it struck me how ol’ Waylon just sang circles around Diamond. But then, I’m a huge fan of Waylon Jennings’ music. Jennings’ lifestyle, on the other hand, has me shaking my head at all the years he wasted on amphetamines and cocaine.

I just finished his autobiography. It’s a fascinating story. And ol’ Waylon is the first to admit he spent too many years as his own worst enemy.

One of his regular stops over the years has been the Crazy Horse Steakhouse in Santa Ana. He writes about the Crazy Horse: “It’s a joint in Orange County run by the nicest man that’s ever been in the nightclub business, Fred Reiser.”

It’s not a place Jennings is ever likely to forget. He was there for two nights of shows in 1988 when he suffered major chest pain that eventually led to triple-bypass surgery.

I well remember when it happened. What I didn’t know at the time was what led up to it. Jennings writes that he was finally off cocaine but he was smoking three packs of cigarettes a day and his appetite had ballooned.

“My favorite breakfast was sausage, gravy and biscuits. Cheese, eggs and jelly. Three fried eggs with sausage or bacon. When I moved on to lunch, I’d eat three ham-and-grilled-cheese sandwiches, piling on the jalapenos. Before I went to sleep, I’d grab a few scrambled egg sandwiches and refry a dozen doughnuts in butter.”

Jennings’ diet improved after his surgery. He also stopped smoking.

Don’t Fence Him In: Chris Burgess, the 6-foot-10 All-American forward at Woodbridge High in Irvine, is supposed to declare next week where he’s going to play college basketball. The choices, my co-workers in the Sports Department here tell me, are down to Duke and Brigham Young University.

Even University of Kentucky Coach Rick Pitino’s charm and the school’s 1995 national championship apparently couldn’t land Burgess.

Jerry Tipton, a sports columnist with the Herald-Leader in Lexington, Ky. (bluegrass country, horse farms, and home of UK) quoted Pitino as telling Burgess that “Our goal would be for you to be the No. 1 pick in the [NBA] draft.”

But Tipton writes that it’s not likely to be. Burgess reportedly said: “I’m not used to all that grass and white fences. That’s just not me.”

Wrap-Up: As politicians and the press have made abundantly clear, today is election day. If you can’t vote this year because you simply failed to register in time, why not start now for next election? You can get a registration form from the DMV, the post office or the headquarters of local political parties. Or call the registrar of voters at (714) 567-7600. I called that number and discovered friendly people ready to help.

Jerry Hicks’ column appears Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. Readers may reach Hicks by calling the Times Orange County Edition at (714) 966-7823 or by fax to (714) 966-7711, or e-mail to jerry.hicks@latimes.com