Boys ‘n’ Girls, the Circus Is Back in Town

Fox reran its hour of gore, “When Animals Attack II,” with updated footage Monday night. And horrid it was, affirming just how much in peril we humans are from the four-legged crowd.

As one man warned: “Never trust animals!” In other words, they don’t call them animals for nothing.

The program opened with pictures almost too terrible to witness. Host Robert Urich: “The bear trainer is hitting the bear on the snout--his attempt to make the bear behave--when suddenly the bear attacks!”

Oh, brother. Isn’t that just like a bear? You try to make friends, try to teach it good manners so that it can proudly distinguish itself by performing tricks in front of humans, and it gets angry.

Equally stunning was the segment titled “When Pet Dogs Attack.” And did you also see those guys trying to befriend an alligator by capturing it? So how did this creature repay the act of kindness? It bit off part of an arm. Gators--why so surly?

And wasn’t this the shocker of shockers? A bull in Pamplona, Spain, was granted the honor of dying at the hands of a matador. And what did it do, ruining the day of the huge crowd expecting a good time? It gored the guy. Moreover, this was no isolated act of violence on the part of ungrateful bulls, for there on the screen was another one, tossing a matador into the air. Bummer. “He’s lucky to be alive,” Urich said.

If matadors keep getting hurt this way, they may have to replace bulls at this sporting event with, well, rabbits.

The program also showed shark attack after shark attack. And finally came home video that put to rest once and for all this propaganda about hunters being predators who stalk and destroy helpless animals. There on the screen was a man in camouflage dress who had started off making a funny video for his hunting buddies, only to have it backfire, Urich said. The man was being attacked by, yes, a killer elk, a sadistic creature that was viciously pummeling this hunter with its hoofs as he lay helpless on the ground.

“The scariest part was when I rolled into him and he really started smacking my face,” recalled the hunter. One thing, though--if this guy was so endangered, why didn’t the person shooting the video try to rescue him instead of continuing to tape?

In any case, KTTV-TV Channel 11 extended this animals-attacking theme to its 10 p.m. news, which followed, heavily advertising and finally concluding with more shark violence and a story about a 12-year-old boy in Placerville said to have been attacked by a “vicious mountain lion.”

It was harrowing, it was mortifying, it was appalling, it was grisly--almost as ghastly as the fate of animals in slaughterhouses. And turkeys at Thanksgiving.

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CLOWN CLUB. There are clowns, and there are clowns.

The clowns on KTLA-TV Channel 5’s “Morning News” can be witty, for example. The clowns on KCBS-TV’s Channel 2’s “Action News This Morning” are just clowns.

“Action News This Morning” is for viewers who find Channel 5’s “Morning News” too heavy and cerebral, for fans of juvenile schmooze that can give them zits just from watching. No, that’s being unfair to juveniles, for, much worse, here is an alleged news program that gets in touch with Channel 2’s inner infant.

Channel 5’s “Morning News” may get silly from time to time, but at least it hires adults.

“Action News This Morning” surfaced when CBS--finally giving up on trying to compete with NBC’s “Today” and ABC’s “Good Morning America” with a two-hour morning show--last August relinquished portions of the 7-9 a.m. weekday time slot to its affiliates, allowing them to originate more of their own material while intercutting periodically with the network’s “CBS This Morning.”

Clearly, “Action News This Morning” aims to clone the successful whimsy and breezy gab of Channel 5’s “Morning News,” which remains the Southland’s ratings leader in this time slot. But it hasn’t the talent or personnel to do it, or to match even the lesser “Good Day L.A.” on KTTV-TV Channel 11.

The supporting actors on “Action News This Morning” are weatherboy Lance Orozco and trafficboy Jim Thornton, the stars anchorgirl Kyra Phillips and anchorboy Kyle Kraska--the latter an impeccable junior suit who looks as if he were installed in his chair the way medieval knights in armor were lifted by pulley onto their horses.

The favorite expression of this crowd is “you guys,” the favorite word “neat.”

“Action News This Morning” was especially “neat” Tuesday morning when covering in depth the fourth anniversary of Milli Vanilli having to return its Grammy after being revealed as a fraud.

You could almost see a lightbulb click on over Kraska’s coif when he wondered aloud: “Would you say they lip sang their songs?”

“Lip synced,” Phillips corrected him.

Light on their own lips were the lyrics of the Milli Vanilli hit “Girl You Know It’s True,” which no one could quite remember. Why even bother? Because someone in the “Action News” think tank thought it would be funny. But it wasn’t. It was pathetic, like watching Quasimodo attempt a comedy monologue.

Everyone hummed. Everyone tried to recall the correct words. Everyone laughed. And on and on and on it went. “Well, we’re having fun,” Thornton said.

Then Kraska said it would be really great (it was either his idea or someone whispered it to him through his earpiece) if viewers called the station and sang the lyrics into the phone. “They could call my extension and sing it, and then the first person to sing it, we can play it on the air,” he said, beaming.

It was a gamble, based on the assumption that viewers of this program know how to dial a phone.

Kraska threatened to give out his number. Oh, no, said Phillips. Oh, yes, said Kraska. Oh, no, said Phillips. Oh, yes, said Kraska. No, no, no. Yes, yes, yes.

Later, he did give out his number, for there was no stopping this neat and crazy guy.

“Ho, ho, ho,” laughed the trafficboy.

“Incredible!” exclaimed the weatherboy.

Exactly, for if nothing else, these people are, indeed, incredible clowns. Tune in tomorrow when Kraska sticks gum up his nose.

Guys, you know it’s true.