Vitale Has Candidate for Bruins: Mr. Calipari

I don’t think we’re in the NCAA any more, Toto: It has been an education for New Jersey Net savior John Calipari, now beginning to understand what he’s up against and, perhaps, wondering if he can’t find a team easier to save.

Like, say, UCLA?

With the Nets losing and veterans jumping in Calipari’s face, a contractual problem suddenly popped up. He had only signed a memo of agreement and now there was a disagreement whether he was owed his full $15 million if fired, or if the payoff would be offset by future salary elsewhere.

At the same time, there was an interesting conversation between Calipari and Dick Vitale, ESPN’s college basketball commentator, who was calling from his car about floating Calipari’s name for the UCLA job.

Vitale says it was his idea but adds he detected a “tone of frustration” in Calipari’s voice. That night during a game telecast, Vitale recommended Calipari for the Bruin job, should it come open.

Ever obliging, Vitale reprised his act for The Times. It went like this:

“HEY, PETER DALIS! THERE’S A GUY OUT THERE WHO WOULD BE PERFECT FOR HOLLYWOOD AND HIS NAME IS . . . JOHN CAL-I-PAR-I!”

It can be inferred Calipari raised no objection to the plug. It isn’t known if he was: a) really interested in UCLA, b) entertaining doubts about the Nets, c) casting about for leverage, or d) a combination thereof.

The alarmed Nets gave way on the clause, Calipari agreed and, within hours, blamed the media for the speculation, ignoring the fact that he had taken it public in the first place. However, since Vitale is a medium of sorts, Calipari did have a point, though it was a joint venture, the coach and the press.

Not that Calipari was happy about the way their project looked afterward. Bristling at questions from New York writers, he announced he would terminate his remarks in 30 seconds.

“You guys have made it a mission, from what I’m told,” Calipari said. “I don’t read the papers so I smile when you bash me. I’m perfectly happy here. The owners of this club are doing everything they said they’d do. They didn’t screw it up.”

Bashing? These are the Nets. Between the Yankees’ triumph, Dan Reeves’ travails and Larry Johnson’s slow start, Gotham barely knows the Nets are alive, which is the problem.

When Calipari arrived with his trademark enthusiasm, he announced that he’d drop under the salary cap and buy an all-star in the summer of ‘98, reminding recruits they’d only be “five minutes from Madison Avenue.”

Says a New York writer, “Five minutes from Madison Avenue? What they are is five minutes from the Knicks.”

By week’s end, Calipari was again insisting he was a Net for life--or the life of his contract, which has a window that lets him walk in 1999--and vowing to banish the darkness. On the sideline in Detroit, he jumped two feet off the floor while executing a scissors kick. The Nets lost anyway.

He went to a three-guard lineup with Kendall Gill, Robert Pack and rookie Kerry Kittles, although he said it wasn’t a demotion for small forward Ed O’Bannon, merely “a slight step back.”

Meanwhile, Dickie Vee is keeping a light on for him in the college game.

“It’s just my gut feeling,” Vitale said, “but I think he’s a little frustrated. My gut feeling is, if Peter Dalis puts together a package and goes to John Calipari and says, ‘You’re my guy,’ I really think John thinks about it. . . .

“I say within three years, he’s coaching in college.”

It should be an interesting three years, anyway, or less.

DR. BARKLEY WILL SEE YOU NOW

Assuming nothing more is called for than a basket of fruit, it’s great to have Charles Barkley on the case, as when Hakeem Olajuwon suffered an irregular heartbeat and 20 reporters surrounded the Rocket team physician for an update.

“Hey, I want to ask you something,” Barkley bellowed to the doctor, breaking through the crowd. “Now, this isn’t something I’m saying, but I heard it through the grapevine.

“It seems like every time we get to play the Lakers and Shaquille O’Neal, something happens to Hakeem. I mean, is there something you can give him for that? Is there some kind of pill for Shaqitis?”

Assured that Olajuwon was in no danger, Barkley asked if Hakeem could donate any organs--”Because I want that right hand. That fall-away jumper.”

No, said the doctor, Hakeem will keep his organs.

“This is just a game,” Barkley said later. “Everybody else thinks it’s life and death. As long as they tell us Hakeem’s fine, it’s over with. He’ll be back in five to seven days--right after the Lakers’ game.

“I hope Hakeem comes out there and joins us with one of those Willis Reed things running out there right before the game, dragging his pacemaker behind him.”

Without Olajuwon, the Rockets posted two more victories as Barkley, obliged to go 75 minutes, scored 42 points with 33 rebounds. A week ago, he was leading the league in minutes and joking he would get suspended to get some rest. Now he’s No. 3 in minutes, still too high.

“I didn’t come here to be ‘the man,’ ” he said. “I came here to be the man next to ‘the man.’ I’m just here to steal money this year. This doesn’t make my life easier. I don’t want to be ‘the man’ anymore. So tell ‘the man’ to hurry up and get well.

“Now, Clyde [Drexler] is the man next to ‘the man,’ until Dream gets back.”

I’m sure you feel better now, don’t you, Mr. Olajuwon? Pay the nurse on your way out.

NAMES AND NUMBERS

--Legends in their own minds: The Bulls now have the No. 1 offense, the No. 2 defense and are thumping opponents by a whopping 19.2 points a game. Within three victories of tying the record for best start, the Bulls had their sights on bigger game. “We can’t look at records right now,” said Scottie Pippen. “We know the 33-consecutive win record [set by the Lakers in 1971-72] is out there.” Not anymore it’s not. The Jazz beat the Bulls Saturday night, ending their streak, only 21 short of its mark.

--San Antonio General Manager Gregg Popovich, on bringing Vern Maxwell home for dinner: “Vernon was at my house yesterday and it went very well. My wife had him go through the metal detector at the front door and of course we sent the children out of the house.”

--How about driving to the basket instead? The Philadelphia 76ers’ Jerry Stackhouse, shooting 35%, says he will try contact lenses. Stackhouse, a powerful dunker, has taken 30% of his shots from the three-point line and is shooting better outside the arc, 39%, than inside, 34%. . . . On second thought, make an appointment for the entire league: Overall, teams are shooting 44%, the lowest mark in 31 seasons.

--Predictably, Knick fans can’t understand why Allan Houston can’t average 20 points, as he did last season with the Pistons, and Larry Johnson can’t get 21, as he did in Charlotte, after joining a lineup with Patrick Ewing, who’s averaging 23.

Another theory: Johnson, guilty only of being too polite, thinks if they would let him rub somebody’s head, as he did with Muggsy Bogues, everything would be OK. “The vibe is not the same as when I was in Charlotte,” he says. “You know how I used to do it, rubbing Mugs’ head. That was me and Mugs, that was how we played, that was our thing, just show the world that you’re going to let it all hang out and have fun. But you know, in New York, it’s kind of more intense--more just business, just business, just business. And to be honest, I’m doing it but I’ve never been like that before. Don’t think I don’t feel no pressure.”

--The financial press reports that Michael Jordan will get 10% of merchandising revenue from “Space Jam,” now projected to be hundreds of millions of dollars. If true, it would mean that once again, his earnings off the court may dwarf his Bulls’ pay, even this season’s record $30 million. . . . The Wall Street Journal listed 78 “Space Jam” products bearing Jordan’s likeness, including cake decorations, golf club covers, shower curtains, temporary tattoos and foam furniture.

--Dennis Rodman, suggesting a new religious awareness: “Sure, we’re going to lose some games. God has his way of doing strange things. If he makes a decision for the Bulls to lose, he’ll make it.” . . . Oops, maybe not: Rodman then appeared on his Sunday TV show in a nurse’s outfit with nylon stockings, calling himself “Nurse Feelgood.”