Punch Lines

There’s a kind of hush: Doctors are worried about President Clinton’s hoarse throat and ordered him to keep absolutely quiet. Says Argus Hamilton, “The president demanded a second opinion. Sure enough, his lawyers think it’s a good idea too.”

* Adds the Cutler Daily Scoop, “A politician ordered not to talk--is this a great country or what?”

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In the news: U.N. Ambassador Madeleine Albright on Thursday was named the nation’s first female secretary of state. Says Steve Tatham, “When Clinton thinks ‘world affairs,’ he naturally thinks of women.”

GM’s electric car, the EV1, went on sale Thursday. Says Alex Kaseberg, “It costs $34,000 to lease one--but they’ll knock off $5,000 if you agree to wear a pink bunny suit and bang a drum while you drive it.”

* Adds Bob Mills, “Chevron, Shell and Texaco immediately announced a price hike of 15 cents a watt.”

* Adds Joshua Sostrin, “The car is expected to be a hit with several Hollywood actors. When you think about it, it’s a perfect fit: They both look great, whine a lot and have limited range.”

Al Cowlings took the witness stand at the O.J. civil trial. Says Cutler, “Nobody asked him the one thing we all really want to know: What was it like to be the only person ever to drive an L.A. freeway with no traffic?”

Scientists said the moon crater that might contain ice could be “the most valuable piece of real estate in the solar system.” Says Mack Dryden, “In Beverly Hills, crisis counselors are consoling distraught homeowners struggling to cope with their sudden drop in status.”

* Adds Richard M. Johnsrud: “As soon as ice was discovered, Los Angeles and San Francisco started fighting over who has first claim to the water. L.A. offered to send Madonna up there to melt the ice.”

The Pathfinder is on its way to Mars and expected to arrive on Independence Day. Says Cutler, “The Martians are already seeing the trailers at their local theaters.”

More U.S. students are attending colleges overseas. Says Joe Kevany, “Great! Maybe that will help lower the test scores over there.”

Michael Jackson’s new marriage is reportedly already in trouble. Says Steve Herren, “Rumor has it he plans to divorce, move to Hawaii and marry himself.”

Martha Stewart’s Christmas special will present tasteful ways to celebrate the holiday. Says Hamilton, “Don’t miss her nativity scene. Not everyone knows that a fourth Wise Man was turned away because he brought fruitcake.”

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Reader Joan Wagner of Lakewood was discussing Hanukkah and Christmas with son Joel, 6. He assured her he knew the difference. He explained:

“Hanukkah lasts for eight days because the jar of oil burned for eight days. But Christmas is only a day because the tree just lasts one day.”