Gifts Rivaled Only by the Latest Chia Pet
Do you want all the products you see depicted on the Internet? Are fears (however misguided) of credit card theft the only thing keeping you from ordering vast quantities of items that pop onto your computer screen?
I have the cure for you.
There are at least a couple of sites on the World Wide Web that specialize in displaying products that are so inane, it’s hard to imagine anyone actually buying them.
Think of the wackiest item you’ve ever seen at Pic ‘n’ Save, adjust your retail sights about two levels down, and you come to the Gallery of the Absurd, a site created by a Purdue University student named Derek to celebrate “little bits of popular culture” gone awry.
Derek offers up 75 advertisements or other bits of paraphernalia that he has found and scanned into his site. One of the first I clicked on was the Giant Electronic Radar Frog, a 1 foot by 10 inch plastic figure that “delights everyone that passes within 12 feet.” This battery-operated marvel of modern technology “loudly ribbets” when it senses something moving nearby.
The makers of Radar Frog suggest its use as a “Conversational Ice Breaker,” “Area Security Alarm,” “Refrigerator Diet Reminder,” “Companion to Cats and Dogs” or, my favorite, “Retail Store Greeting.” And it’s only $29.95.
For those seeking a more expensive gift, there is the Melody in Motion figurine named Willie. This porcelain item does not just sit-- “Willie holds a beer to toast one and all as he turns his head and yodels a tune just like Franzl Lang, Bavaria’s Yodel King.”
It costs $169, batteries included.
And for our feline friends, Derek has found the Indian Chief Catnip Toy that actually says on the back of its package: “Satisfy you cat’s need to play (with a bit of American history)!” The distributor (I’m not making this up): Ethical Products Inc. of New Jersey.
Most of Derek’s 75 choices are simply useless and not very amusing. The graphics on his site, https://omni.cc.purdue.edu/~/royald/cat.htm, take a frustratingly long time to download onto the screen. But for those seeking a good laugh at our retail madness during this holiday season, the search is worth the trouble.
A far better designed site was created by two U.S.-born architects now based in Tokyo. Mark Dytham and Astrid Klein’s good-natured, handsome site--https://www2.gol.com/users/zapkdarc/index.html--which they describe as “blatant PR” for their firm, includes an area called Fetish, referring to one dictionary definition: “anything to which foolishly excessive respect or attention is given.”
Here you will find some of the strangest, personal items on sale in Japan, including Nap Man, a wrist-worn device that lets out a 105 decibel alarm if a finger sensor is not moved within an allotted time period. Of similar nature is Earlarm, a personal alarm that fits inside your ear. The brochure that comes with it says it’s popular with homemakers when boiling eggs.
These products are more obsessively utilitarian than absurd, and heaven help me, but I kind of wanted them.
Happy holidays. And here’s hoping you are not on Derek’s, Mark’s or Astrid’s shopping lists.
* Cyburbia’s e-mail address is david.colker@latimes.com.
