Punch Lines

Capitol Beat: The president delivered his State of the Union address Tuesday. “President Clinton told Congress he needs its help in the war on corruption. The anti-corruption side is gaining on them.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “He specifically appealed for peace in the Middle East, Chechnya and on the set of ‘Victor/Victoria.’ ” (Bob Mills)

* “The speech was good, but those Indonesian subtitles got annoying,” observes Alex Pearlstein.

* “The speech was to last an hour. We were kinda hoping for ‘Things are going OK. Now let’s go watch “Frazier.” ’ “ (Cutler Daily Scoop)

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In The News: “Geraldo Rivera says he will quit if O.J. Simpson is found not liable.” Says Bill Maher, “That could be considered jury tampering.”

The government announced it will put organ donor forms in the tax forms it mails out. “What more do they want?” asks Jay Leno. “My money isn’t enough? They want my spleen?”

In the News: “Today is National Weatherperson’s Day. There’s a 20% chance no one will care.” (BBS Briefs)

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Entertainment: Pat Boone’s new heavy metal album is doing well. Says Jimmy McConnell, “His new professional name will be Snoop Goodie Good.”

20th Century Fox has agreed to purchase Richard Jewell’s life story for half a million dollars. “Imagine how much he could have gotten if he had one.” (Steve Voldseth)

Action star Steven Seagal will travel with the Dalai Lama to Taiwan. “The Tibetan leader plans to teach Seagal the road to spiritual enlightenment and Seagal will teach the Dalai Lama how to disembowel an intruder with a shrimp fork.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

“Star Wars” has grossed $36 million. “After 20 years a whole new generation was introduced to the phrase ‘ “Star Wars” action figures sold separately.’ ” (Olympia Daily World)

* “Taking the hint, producers plan to add a computer-generated Wookie to the re-release of ‘Turbulence.’ ” (Morning Sickness)

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Annals of Sociology: A University of Michigan study shows that drug and alcohol abuse by young couples lessens after marriage. Observes the Daily Scoop, “Of course with sobriety comes the inevitable, ‘Whadda’ya mean we’re married?’ ”

* “The drinking and drug use resumes years later when their teenagers start to date and drive,” says Jerry Perisho.

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Reader Scott Mottle says his 8-year-old daughter Allison plays basketball. One night after he had to miss a game, he asked her how it went. His last question: “Did you start tonight?”

“Daddy,” Allison replied, “I’m not a starter. I’m a waiter.”