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Fiscal Tips for When They Squeeze The Juice

O.J. Simpson has been off the sports page for a long time.

But unless he wins an appeal, O.J. will soon be I.O.U.J., owing $8.5 million, and maybe more.

Therefore, I have ways he can save or raise money, just in case:

--From now on, only miniature golf.

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--Sell those Buffalo Bills’ championship rings. (Oops, sorry, Juice. Guess not.)

--Un-retire, play for Dallas Cowboys. Police record irrelevant.

--Write a book: “I Want to Tell You MORE.”

--Go 10 rounds with Shapiro, at Caesars Palace.

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--Hold a seminar, instructing USC coaches how to beat UCLA.

--Stiff your caddie.

--Go to pawn shop, hock that Heisman.

--Call up those Bruno Magli people, propose new shoe, Air Simpson.

--Go back to Oxford. Coach.

--Offer “night chipping” golf lessons.

--Learn needlepoint from Rosey Grier, open boutique.

--Put monster tires on Bronco, appear at big Anaheim car rally.

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--Be like Raiders, move back to Oakland, make people there pay your way.

--Bet $8.5 million with Michael Jordan on 18 holes of golf, double or nothing.

--Narrate Marcus Allen highlight video. (Football only.)

--Rent out Kato Kaelin to cut lawn, walk dog, go for burgers.

--Foot race versus Michael Johnson, 150 meters. He gets 100-meter head start, because you limp.

--"Naked Gun IV.” Visiting player at Anaheim spits in umpire Leslie Nielsen’s face.

--Al Cowlings, new spokesman for Hertz. You get 10%.

--Dan Marino out, you in, in Isotoner ads.

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--Become a professional boxer. You’re younger than most.

--Join Fox TV’s NFL team. You’ll be the serious one.

--Let Rodman kick you between legs. Sue.

--Ask Tiger Woods to donate 10% of his winnings to O.J. Defense Fund. You should have $8.5 million by March.

--Teach Oksana Baiul how to obey speed limit.

--Hit up Shaq for a loan. Eight point five is pocket money for him.

--Buy Dodger Stadium, turn it over for fast profit.

--Be head coach, San Francisco 49ers. No NFL coaching experience necessary.

--Hire new agent, scream: “Show me the money!”

--You, Marcia Clark, 18 holes, $8.5 million, she uses same tees as you. None of that “ladies’ tee” nonsense.

--Exercise video, O.J. and Kathie Lee.

--McDonald’s, Burger King promotional possibilities: Discounts at drive-through window, for anyone driving Rolls, Bentley, etc.

--Do construction work, Jack Murphy Stadium, San Diego. Project won’t be finished until well into 21st century.

--New entry for Indy or NASCAR: Johnnie Cochran “race cars.”

--Akita racing.

--Return to NBC, replace John Tesh on gymnastics.

--Buy rare coins from Bruce McNall.

--Call Jerry Reinsdorf of Chicago White Sox. He’ll pay anybody, any amount, no matter your reputation.

--Try Jerry Jones, Steffi Graf, seek tax advice.

--Guest voice on “The Simpsons.”

--Coach at UCLA, pad expense account.

--Call up Eddie Murphy, suggest Alan Dershowitz for “Nutty Professor II.”

--Buy a Canadian baseball team, rename it the Toronto O Jays.

--See if Ito would wear Nike logo on robe.

--Volunteer for jury duty. Pay adds up.

--Compete in next Gillette $1-million field-goal kick at Pro Bowl.

--Box Tyson in big jailhouse benefit.

--Start limo service, for athletes running late.

--Offer to accept reward, for revealing identity of real killer.


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