Punch Lines

In the News: The NFL brokered a deal to let Bill Parcells coach the New York Jets in 1997. Says Alex Pearlstein, “After six days on the job, interim head man Bill Belichik now leaves as the winningest coach in recent Jets history.”

“The English Patient” leads the pack in Oscar nominations. “It’s a good thing he’s English. Our Congress would have cut off his health benefits.” (Pearlstein)

Madonna blames Andrew Lloyd Webber for being passed over. “Under an obscure Academy rule, you have to have spoken at least six lines.” (Bob Mills)

O.J. Simpson was ordered to pay $25 million in punitive damages. “For that much, he could have hired the Colombian hit men.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

A new museum of journalism opened in Washington, D.C. “There is a shallow fountain in the lobby donated by USA Today,” says Alan Ray.

“Roger Corman, the king of B movies, is selling his film library and production company. Insiders say they are not surprised. Apparently after ‘Death Race 2000’ Corman felt it had become all about the money.” (Mike Reeder)

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Public Affairs: A Time-CNN poll found that 62% of Americans approve of the way President Clinton is handling his job. “Among those questioned who work in the hospitality industry, the rating is almost 100%,” says Mills.

Clinton has unveiled a plan to put some popular federal services on the Internet. “For example, big donors will be able to book the Lincoln bedroom through the White House web page.” says the Daily Scoop.

“This ‘virtual government’ will be reminiscent of the Reagan administration.” (Funny Scheet, Inc.)

The illegal immigrant population in the U.S. is now more than 5 million. “It’s not right for foreigners to sneak in here, break our laws . . . but enough about Democratic fund-raising.” (Daily Scoop)

Federal officials fined a Maine egg farm, calling it an agricultural sweatshop. “Now we know why the chicken crossed the road,” says Jerry Perisho. “He was heading for the toll-free whistle-blowers’ hotline.”

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Mean Streets: A new poll says 40% of the people in L.A. know someone who has been the victim of a violent criminal. Says Jenny Church, “The other 60% are criminals.”

* “The number actually climbs to seven out of 10 if you include the pollsters who were roughed up as they interviewed people.” (Joshua Sostrin)

* “This percentage is probably inflated because some of those polled counted guests on the Jerry Springer show as people they knew.” (Jeff Tipton)

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Reader Shirley Anderton of Costa Mesa has a neighbor who is a veterinarian. When asked what his dad did, the vet’s 6-year-old son replied:

“He doesn’t have a real job. He just takes care of animals.”