High on the Hog

Everybody loves the idea of the old-time diner restaurant, sturdily slinging hash and other hearty American eats, preferably in a colorful setting, such as a retired railway car.

Oink’s Diner in Long Beach is trying to re-create the genre . . . or more exactly, to create a sort of Dinerland theme park, complete with a theme character. The ostensible star here is an imaginary pig named Oink, whose life story with the Melvin Barnshwacker family in equally imaginary Baconville, Iowa, is recounted on the back of the menu.

As you walk into Oink’s kingdom, you pass a perky theme park-type country store, lined with old-fashioned soda pops, such as Stewart’s Key Lime, Kentucky Nip and Green River. The dining rooms have tasseled lanterns, flowered wallpaper and nostalgic 1930s-era posters, such as one for RC Cola featuring a fetching young Lucille Ball in a racy brief bathing suit.

Yet evoking a diner of two generations ago is a challenge in today’s restaurant world. Chef Michael Doctulero (who’s also executive chef at the Yard House next door, owned by the same restaurant group) has talent but may be getting overruled by market studies and food cost issues. This would explain why a nostalgia restaurant stocks frozen English muffins and that ultra-’90s mass-produced bar snack, the cheese-stuffed jalapen~o pepper.

I don’t mean to seem a nit-picker, because the restaurant does have its share of appealing dishes. The French fries are hand-cut (though cooked in canola oil rather than peanut oil or--if we want to be really ‘30s about it--lard). The delicious hamburgers, made with certified Angus ground chuck, are hard to resist, especially the Baconville Special burger, topped with cheddar and two long slices of lean, smoky bacon.

Outside the burger list, Southern beans and rice is permeated by the real country taste of ham hocks. The chicken and sausage gumbo is a thick, spicy stew made with chunks of andouille sausage and big pieces of chicken breast. The best entree is probably Lubner’s fried chicken, a perfectly breaded piece of fried chicken breast.

The problem is a general lack of authenticity and soul. Very few things served here resemble what you’d get in the real-world equivalent of Baconville, Iowa, on good old Route 66--or anywhere in Iowa, for that matter.

For instance, take that fried chicken; nice, but not like real fried chicken. I realize restaurants feel the pressure to serve chicken breast (even when the bird is fried) in this calorie-conscious age, but I personally miss the flavor of dark meat. And though boneless chicken is certainly easy to cut, there’s a reason for the saying, “The closer to the bone, the sweeter the meat.”

Aunt Rosie’s turkey dinner is a massive hunk of skinless roast turkey breast on a pile of good mashed potatoes, but the gravy and vegetables are bland, and why isn’t there any stuffing? The pot roast is inexcusably tough, and the “barbecued” pork tenderloin is a sacrilege: sliced off a roll, finished on a grill and doused with a nondescript red sauce.

“Grandma’s big desserts” are more big than they are Grandma. There is a serviceable coffee ice cream pie with an Oreo cookie crust, also a nice, eggy bread pudding that would have been vastly improved with hand-whipped cream. The fruit cobbler, served a la mode, is really a sort of deep-dish crisp with a streusel topping.

Oink’s is open for breakfast on weekends, but this is definitely not the meal to come here for. The omelets are workmanlike but the pancakes and biscuits are like foam rubber.

Still, through everything the waiters are unfailingly cheerful, deflecting every complaint with a smile and gamely offering to substitute for anything the customer isn’t thrilled with. But I’d love to see how enthusiastic these Generation X’ers and (by now) Y’ers would be in a real diner.

BE THERE

Oink’s Diner, 407 Shoreline Village, Long Beach. (310) 628-0454. Hours: Lunch and dinner 11:30 a.m.-9 p.m. daily; breakfast 8-11:30 a.m. Saturday-Sunday. Beer and wine only. Parking lot. All major cards. Takeout. Lunch for two, $11-$23. What to get: chicken and sausage gumbo, Southern red beans and rice, the Baconville Special, Lubner’s fried chicken, Oink’s original fries.