Punch Lines

In Honor of the Day: The president sent a message to Congress: “It’s the economy, Cupid.” (Jenny Church)

*

Phonaholics Take Note: A new study from Canada indicates that talking on the phone while driving is linked to as many accidents as drunk driving. “And if you happen to be drunk and talking on a cell phone in a Pinto, the risk is astronomical,” says Mike Reeder.

* “Especially if you call a 900 number.” (Alex Kaseberg)

* “The officer was unmoved when I swore I’d only had two calls.” (Stan Kaplan)

* “Police are now pulling over motorists who show signs of driving under the influence of call waiting.” (Paul Ecker)

*

The Great Outdoors: The EPA chief says tougher air quality rules won’t jeopardize backyard barbecues. “Sadly, that task will still fall to guys wearing aprons that say, ‘I’m the Chef.’ ” (Joshua Sostrin)

For the first time in Yosemite’s 107-year history, day visitors will have to make reservations. “And to get a better look at El Capitan, visitors will have to slip a little extra to the maitre ‘d.” (Ecker)

*

In the News: Sen. Fred Thompson’s committees sent out 40 subpoenas for records of Democratic fund-raising--the same documents already subpoenaed by the House, the Justice Department and the independent counsel. “Looks like the stock to buy is Xerox,” advises Argus Hamilton.

Tonya Harding told police she had been kidnapped, but managed to escape. “You remember her,” says Jay Leno. “The honorary Menendez sister.”

Earthquake faults have been found under Seattle. “That comes as a surprise to residents,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “Most thought the shaking was due to too much caffeine.”

* “See what you get when you bad-mouth California?” (Alex Pearlstein)

Michael Jackson is a dad. “Characteristic of first-time fathers of sons, he rushed out and bought the baby a sequined baseball glove.” (Bob Mills)

If Newt Gingrich pays $300,000 in penalties, he may be able to deduct it as a business expense. “Only in America can you get a tax break for being a tax cheat.” (Daily Scoop)

The Golden Raspberry Awards for worst movies and actors were announced. “They are giving Charlie Sheen a Lifetime Achievement Award.” (Daily Scoop)

*

Reader Rick Turski of Northridge has 2-year-old twin sons who are fascinated with cars. On the way to child care, he asked Mathew and Michael what kind of car they wanted when they were older. Michael replied, “I want a yellow car.” Said Matthew:

“I want your car.”