Punch Lines

In the News: There are signs that Martha Stewart’s line of merchandise is coming to Kmart. Says Ann Licater, “The store will double your coupons if they are decoupaged, employees will be required to knit their own blue smocks, and the baby changing table in the restroom doubles as an herb garden.”

A study found that 77% of parents with kids 8 to 12 say families don’t spend enough time talking about relationships and sex. “That’s why there will soon be a coloring book version of ‘The Rules,’ ” says the Cutler Daily Scoop.

A group of Long Island homemakers is accused of smuggling drugs between the U.S., Europe and South America. “Authorities grew suspicious when the moms kept diverting their carpools through Bogota,” says Alex Pearlstein.

* “Drug-sniffing dogs discovered the contraband stuffed in Avon lady sample cases.” (Bob Mills)

* “Police caught on when their Tupperware parties were hosted by Courtney Love, Robert Downey Jr. and Keith Richards.” (Alex Kaseberg)

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World of Sports: Heavyweight boxer Riddick Bowe left the Marines after only a few days. Says Mills, “He decided to call it quits after Don King failed to negotiate a deal guaranteeing him $10 million a war.”

* “Bowe’s new slogan: ‘Semper why?’ ” (Russ Myers)

A judge’s ruling means that the Chargers will stay in San Diego. “It’s not surprising,” says Pearlstein. “One look at the Chargers’ ‘96 record told you the team was going nowhere.”

Little League baseball will begin soon in many communities. “Coaches have to quell tantrums, name calling, pouting and even fisticuffs,” says Alan Ray. “Working with parents can be a downer.”

The Orlando Magic fired head coach Brian Hill. “At the news conference, they had Hill step into a trunk, the general manager spun it around three times and poof . . . he was gone.” (Jerry Perisho)

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In Print: A new magazine called Beer Connoisseur is out. “This is one magazine you don’t want to see that swimsuit issue,” says Jay Leno.

Dan Courvette, publisher of Divorce magazine, is remarrying. “The name of the magazine has been changed to Rebound.” (Steve Voldseth)

“O.J. Simpson will write another book,” says Ray. “It will be shorter than the earlier one. It will stop at Chapter 11.”

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Deanna Elsom of Palm Springs was shopping with her 2 1/2-year-old granddaughter, Abby, and saw the child speak to a well-dressed woman who was looking through merchandise on a sale table. The astonished woman approached Elsom and told her what Abby had said:

“You can look, but don’t touch.”