Punch Lines

In the News: Scottish scientists have cloned a sheep from a single cell. “Kenneth Starr is overjoyed,” says Alex Kaseberg. “He sent a skin cell out to Scotland and soon he can join Pepperdine and investigate the Clintons.”

* “Cloning is expensive and scary,” says Argus Hamilton. “This could mean that Ross Perot could run in every presidential election for the next 2,000 years.”

* “Should human cloning be allowed? Yes, as long as they don’t clone accordion players.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “When the news was released, several network sitcom producers ordered their lawyers to sue for patent infringement.” (Bob Mills)

Starr will delay his move to Malibu and stay on his job as Whitewater special counsel. “He was going to blow off a presidential investigation and move to L.A. Even Kato Kaelin wired him: ‘Focus, man.’ ” (Hamilton)

* “Kenneth Starr reverses course. He is not only investigating Clinton, he is beginning to imitate him.” (Daily Scoop)

“The government says the nation’s ground beef supplies sometimes contain bone chips,” says Alan Ray. “A Quarter Pounder is now available in both smooth and crunchy.”

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Around the Nation: Officials at a New Mexico penitentiary found a 30-foot tunnel leading from the prison’s laundry area. Says Jerry Perisho, “There, hidden in a secret storage area, they found every sock you ever lost.”

A state senator in Texas was charged with soliciting sex for money from an undercover police officer. “You know who I’m embarrassed for? His parents,” says Jay Leno. “Now the whole world knows their son is a politician.”

About those Long Island homemakers accused of international drug smuggling: “They are the highly sought after voting group known as Colombian soccer moms.” (Daily Scoop)

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The Big Screen: “The Empire Strikes Back” has been re-released with some updating for the ‘90s, says Steve Voldseth. “Chewbacca is picketed by anti-fur activists, R2D2 is now capable of dispensing cafe lattes, and the Evil Empire’s list of suspects in the Death Star explosion includes Richard Jewell.”

Theaters are showing previews for a movie about a volcano that wrecks Los Angeles. “L.A. doesn’t have enough of its own disasters? They have to start importing new ones?” (Daily Scoop)

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Reader Margaret Montgomery of Yucaipa was taking her visiting mother on a sightseeing tour in L.A. As they drove through the grounds of one of the large city hospitals, her 4-year-old daughter, Kate, grabbed her grandmother’s arm and announced, “Yes, this is my very own hospital--where I was born . . .

“And it didn’t hurt me a bit!”