For Better or Worse, the Big Day Is Occasion for a Big Haul
The season of the Big Haul is upon us.
A third of all marriage ceremonies in the United States occur in June, July and August. Because weddings are probably life’s No. 1 gift-giving occasion, a lot of hand-wringing goes on this time of year for couples registering their choices and for guests trying to select an appropriate gift.
Wedding rituals, including the often-touchy subject of present-giving, are shedding traditions at the end of the century faster than 2.3 million brides a year can adoringly whisper “I do.”
“Throughout history, weddings have mirrored the values of the cultures in which they have taken place: the hopes, dreams, doubts and fears,” according to “American Marriage Today,” a 1996 report by Bride’s magazine.
The hope of a 1990s betrothed couple may be to receive the his and hers kayaks they listed on the gift registry. The fear of some wedding guests might be that there won’t be any gift with a price tag under $200 on the couple’s wish list.
“It’s hard to buck this trend of materialism,” says Letitia Baldrige, one of America’s foremost etiquette experts, who was social secretary to the White House during the Kennedy administration. “Brides consider a wedding as loot time.”
The business of weddings has escalated into a $32-billion annual boost to the economy; aggressiveness on the part of some couples has grown when it comes to presents.
About 90% of today’s couples register somewhere--up from 60% in 1984, according to Bride’s. Registries have become so commonplace that sometimes guests are annoyed if the couple isn’t registered.
The vast majority do register for traditional tableware, which they likely will keep and use for the rest of their lives. In addition, growing numbers sign up for a truckload of other items for themselves and their house, sometimes at several retailers.
“Running into a lot of greed?” asks Judith Martin, who writes the syndicated Miss Manners column. “I’m not saying that greed is absolutely new in weddings, but the idea that you needn’t disguise it came up in the age of frankness and total communication.”
With the rise in the average age of all brides and grooms (now 29.2 and 31.7), increasingly over-scheduled lifestyles and the steep climb in dual-career marriages, many couples have become bolder about making gift preferences known--even for marriage No. 2 or 3.
Engaged couples frequently have established households, separately or together. Many couples know exactly what they want and don’t hesitate to communicate that.
Brides and grooms are being courted by retailers offering goodies that might include special charge accounts with extra privileges, gifts and discounts on future china purchases to fill out their patterns.
Today’s world of wedding gifts has its roots in something old but has come up with its own 1990s spin on something new:
* Multiple gift registrations. No longer need couples restrict themselves to one store. The bride and groom may hoof it to, say, Neiman Marcus for their Hungarian china, French crystal and Italian silver; to Pottery Barn for their cereal bowls and doormat; and Bed Bath & Beyond for their pillow shams, registering at all three.
* Advance notice, like it or not. In the old days, guests would quietly ask a member of the family or a bridesmaid if the couple had registered and where. Today, stores such as Bloomingdale’s and Michael Round Fine China & Crystal will, at the couple’s request, mail announcement letters to invited guests informing them of where the couple is registered.
* Time saving. Some harried guests are thrilled to order a present without leaving home. By calling an 800 number now offered by many department and specialty stores, they can select something on the couple’s list and have it delivered.
* Registering on the information superhighway. J.C. Penney Co. announced earlier this year it is the first major department store to offer online wedding registries accessible to the couple. Curious computerized couples can click on their lists daily to monitor the numbers piling up.
While twenty- and thirtysomethings on the wedding circuit are getting used to this brave new approach to gift giving, purists are horrified.
“Twenty years ago, it would have been considered extremely unseemly to register in more than two stores, and you got frowned upon for registering in the second,” says Baldrige, who is finishing up her latest book, “To Teach a Child to Be Kind” (Rawson/Scribner). “They’re registering for wine in wine stores, books in bookstores--even for hardware and cars.”
Actually, some guests never consult a registry and have never given a thought to doing so. As Millie Bratten, editor-in-chief of Bride’s, says, “You are not obligated to pick something off the list. It’s meant to be a useful tool.”
And if you don’t, they may never know how much you spent.
Registering for wedding gifts began as an innocent custom probably sometime early this century. In the 1930s, a bride-to-be and her mother might put on their white gloves and walk down to the local Main Street china purveyor and record her choice of a formal china pattern, in case guests asked. The parade of popular wedding gifts in the years that followed evokes nostalgia for bygone eras: percolators, ironing boards, crystal ashtrays, fondue pots, crock pots, woks, silver spoons, bread makers.
One positive trend in gifts in this decade is this practicality factor. Entertaining in the 1990s is not as fussy as it used to be. Not that many guests give cocktail forks or monogrammed felt card-table covers. But everyone has his or her own definition of practical.
Target, the national discount retailer based in Minneapolis, began its registry, Club Wedd, last year.
“People will still go to department stores to get wonderful china and beautiful linen. But here at Target you can get some of that and then a lawn mower or plumbing accessories,” said Carolyn Brookter, a Target spokeswoman. (One couple registered for home pregnancy tests. No word on how many they received.)
Certain practical items might be best left for the couple to select privately. What message does it send about life in the 1990s when NBC late-night host Jay Leno invites actor Ted Danson on his show and presents him with a toilet? Danson and his new bride, Mary Steenburgen, who were married last year on Martha’s Vineyard with the President and Hillary Clinton in attendance, had registered for one at Home Depot.
“Practicality is the biggest trend,” says Stacey Levitz, assistant public-affairs manager at Home Depot. “It’s going from prissy to practical. Instead of china, I can use a toilet for my bathroom.”
Some retailers are renaming the registry service to something more inclusive of the groom, such as the wedding or gift registry. Bloomingdale’s changed the official name to the Registry about 15 years ago; Tiffany & Co. still calls it the Bridal Registry.
Forward-thinking stores such as Michael Round have added commitment registries for same-sex ceremonies. And many stores are starting registry services for baby gifts, anniversary presents and other significant life events.
One custom is disappearing: the display of wedding gifts. The description of this questionable archaic practice in the 1959 edition of “Amy Vanderbilt’s Complete Book of Etiquette” reads: “Gifts may be shown at a tea before the wedding or placed on display on white damask-covered tablecloths in some room of the house, so guests may view them.
”. . . Where there are many valuable gifts, private detectives are engaged to guard them. Cards are now removed from gifts displayed, and gifts of more or less like value are grouped together to discourage comparisons. Checks are recorded on cards, which are propped up for display. They read, ‘Check $100,’ but the donor’s name is not given, though the bride or groom often reveal the information, as checks usually come from close relatives.”
Just call it greed, ‘50s-style.
A problem that persists through the years is how to deal with unwanted gifts. It would be hard to pass on the ivory metal trash can your father’s second wife gave you that has your wedding invitation professionally decoupaged on it.
Department stores report that, on rare occasions, newly marrieds return after the wedding with a carload of china, crystal and silver gifts to exchange for store credit. They use the credit to go on a clothes- and furniture-buying spree.
Tiffany has noticed that, occasionally, when a bride receives duplications of her china or silver, she will return it for credit and perhaps get a jewelry bauble for herself.
There is also the charitable gift. The practice of raising money for a charity instead of receiving gifts seems to be an emerging trend, especially for second or third marriages.
At one wedding last year, the bride and groom requested that in lieu of gifts, guests donate money to their own favorite charity. Unless, that is, their friends and family were interested in chipping in for the couple’s new tractor.
