Punch Lines

In L. A.: “Welcome to Los Angeles, or as we say, ‘Duck!’ ” (Jay Leno)

* Debate continues after the North Hollywood bank shootout about whether the LADP should be more heavily armed. “Right now, all the cops carry are 9 millimeters and their latest scripts.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “The police department estimated that 20,000 people took to the streets on Sunday,” says RomanHans. “I’m not talking about the marathon. I mean people looking for souvenirs.”

Filming is beginning on the “Ellen” episode to which the whole season has been leading. Says Gary Easley, “Ellen will come out and show the world that she is not only a comic, but a thespian.”

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Cloning Update: “The scientists responsible for the first successful cloning of a mammal say it took years of trial and error. Which is why you never hear songs by Kennys A through F.” (Steve Voldseth)

* The Roslin lab in Scotland is scheduled for a government budget cut. “But that won’t have much effect,” says Michael X. Ferraro. “Once you’ve cloned sheep, it’s not that difficult to counterfeit money.”

Scientists in Oregon say they have cloned a monkey. “This technique has just been perfected,” says Easley. “In the ‘60s when they created adult monkeys, they were only bad clones of the Beatles.”

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Around the Country: O.J. Simpson said he did not buy a house in Florida, “which of course means that he bought a house in Florida,” says Alex Kaseberg.

The 25th Iditarod 1,150-mile dog sled race began Sunday in Alaska. “The rules say participants must start with a maximum of 16 dogs and end with at least five--not at all unlike the NBA.” (Jerry Perisho)

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Government as Usual: The White House freed $250 million to promote a new sex education program. “It teaches marital fidelity,” says Argus Hamilton. “It sure gets expensive when Bill Clinton and Dick Morris start theorizing.”

Yasser Arafat is visiting the White House. Says Brian J. Hill, “First, the guy has to share his land, now he has to share the Lincoln Bedroom with some businessman from Cleveland.”

“GOP leaders have returned from that bash in Palm Beach for donors of $175,000,” says Hamilton. “Last Year, Congress promised to do something about special-interest contributions. What they have decided to do is deposit them.”

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Reader Dale Clanahan of LaVerne missed a freeway interchange when returning from a family gathering in Laguna Niguel. After he vented his frustration and muttered aloud, his 6-year-old grandson, Michael, said plaintively from the back seat:

“Does this mean we have to start all over?”