A consumer’s guide to the best and...

A consumer’s guide to the best and worst of sports media and merchandise. Ground rules: If it can be read, played, heard, observed, worn, viewed, dialed or downloaded, it’s in play here.

What: The Zambonis “100% Hockey . . . and other stuff.”

Availability: At finer alternative record stores. Or contact Dot Dot Dash records P.O. Box 1971 New York, NY, 10009. Also try: dotdotdash@sonicnet.com.

Since hockey rinks started donating their organs, Gary Glitter’s “Rock And Roll Part II” was probably the first music staple but the Zambonis are sure to be the favorite.

Many of you pucksters have already joined the chorus with “I Wanna Drive The Zamboni,” but the line changes here are fast and punny. Slapstick meets slap shots and the red light is on.

Songs like “Away Game,” “The Referee’s Daughter” and “Slapshot Love” are instant favorites because of the familiar subject matter.

But I dig the more personal stuff like “The Goalie is Drunk”--basically an accordion playing three bars with the title of the song repeated and a slurred message at the end. According to the liner notes, it is based on a true life experience in the Ridgefield Men’s League 1995 finale.

You want sensitivity? James Taylor, God rest his soul music, has got nothing on these guys. “Take Off That Mask” is the “Sad but true story of Dave Zamboni’s first experience as third string Mite goalie: 10 minutes, 12 goals, no friends. . .”

If you ever heard of Tarquin and Peter Katis of Philistines Jr. or the Happiest Guys In The World, they are the main thrust of the Zambonis. Dave Schneider and John Aley round out the line. By the way, all but Aley shoot left-handed.

For the true hockey fan, this is a must. For the casual fan, it’s still one big smile.