Punch Lines

He Wrote the Songs: An Arizona judge has filed suit against Barry Manilow, claiming he has a constant ringing in his ears after attending a Manilow concert in 1993. “But it turns out the lawsuit was frivolous. Lawyers found out that the four other people in the elevator were completely unaffected.” (Jim Shaughnessy)

* “Judge Philip Espinosa said in a deposition that he could put up with the ringing, but now he’s beginning to hear John Tesh,” says Bob Mills.

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Elsewhere in the Nation: “Fox TV star Martin Lawrence was arrested in L.A. for punching a guy in a club,” says Argus Hamilton. “He’s been warned now. Under California law, one more strike and he has to spend seven to 10 years on Court TV.”

President Clinton officiated at the annual Easter Egg Roll on Monday at the White House, says Hamilton. “Hundreds of children came, some still clutching the broken pieces of their piggy banks.”

Jury selection in the Oklahoma City bombing trial has begun in Denver. “The biggest mass murder in U.S. history--shouldn’t this be the ‘trial of the century’?” asks the Cutler Daily Scoop. “Oh, we forgot. Timothy McVeigh didn’t rush for 2,000 yards.”

Meanwhile in Brentwood, “Looks like O.J. is gonna lose his house, gonna have to move,” says Jay Leno. “That’s gotta be easy, being a mover for O.J., don’t you think? He doesn’t like other people carrying his things--’Hey, I’ll get that bag.’ ‘Hey, don’t open that golf thing.’ ‘Hey, I’m carrying that out to the car.’ ”

Tipper Gore hosted five fund-raising coffees in 1995-’96, according to White House records released over the weekend. “You could tell Tipper had been involved. The records had been labeled.” (Scoop)

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Counseling Corner: “Researchers in London have discovered women with very large rear ends are healthier and live longer,” says Leno. “Little word of warning to the guys. As happy as you think your wife or girlfriend might be to have this information, you might want to let her find out herself. This is not an article you clip and put on the refrigerator door. . . .”

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Business as Usual: “For a thousand bucks a year, an insurance company in England will insure people against alien abduction,” says Alex Kaseberg. “It turns out P. T. Barnum was a raging optimist.”

Disney has opened its newest amusement park on the Internet. “In order to access it, you park your car six blocks from your house, pay $39.95 and spend at least $8 every time you visit your refrigerator.” (Mills)

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Reader Robert Winokur of Laguna Hills says his granddaughter Hannah, 5, was watching him drink coffee and said she liked it too. Her dad had let her taste it, she explained. Winokur told her she was too young to taste coffee and Hannah replied:

“He’s your son, so why don’t you tell him?”