Punch Lines

Out in the Galaxy: Scientists say conditions for life exist in an ocean on one of Jupiter’s moons. “It’s probably not intelligent,” says Alan Ray. “Just a couple of surfers.”

* Spacecraft Galileo’s images say Europa can support life. “It is cable-ready and there are plenty of cappuccino machines.” (Johnny Robish)

* “David Hasselhoff is developing a new series called ‘Baywatch: Deep Space Nine.’ ” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

***

A Modest Proposal: “The Department of Transportation says most pedestrians who are hit by cars are drunk,” says Jay Leno. “First they tell us friends aren’t supposed to let friends drive drunk. Now friends aren’t supposed to let friends walk drunk. You know what we need to do in this country? We need a better class of friends. All our friends are drunks.”

***

Our Government: The Air Force unveiled the F-22 stealth fighter jet that is practically undetectable on radar. Says Alex Kaseberg, “It is sleek, fast and comes with a homing chip to help them find it if they lose it.”

First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton says people’s fascination with Whitewater reminds her of an obsession with UFOs. “She’s right. Why can’t everyone be normal and spend their evenings talking with Eleanor Roosevelt?” (Argus Hamilton)

* “She is right,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “UFOs sometimes seem to magically disappear and reappear, kinda like Hillary’s files.”

President Clinton is pushing a plan to hire people from the welfare rolls and put them in federal and White House jobs. “Just think, work at the White House awhile, and you’re soon qualified to work at any of the world’s finer hotels.” (Daily Scoop)

***

Legal Pad: California passed a “Smoke a Joint, Lose Your License” law. “The penalty triples if you wrap the joint in your license,” says Bob Mills.

* “In Hollywood, it’s known as ‘Smoke a Joint, Wake Up With Robert Downey Jr.’ ” (Paul Ecker)

Lawsuits challenge a federal law that says anyone convicted of domestic violence cannot own a gun. “The law should be written to say that anyone who has ever appeared on ‘The Jerry Springer Show’ cannot have a gun.” (Joe Queenan on “Politically Incorrect.”)

***

Looking for Love: “Heartthrob Fabio announced he is looking for his dream woman,” says Leno. “He says he wants someone who’s funny, secure, independent and has a good personality. You know what’s really sad--the one woman in Hollywood who fits those criteria is Ellen DeGeneres.”

***

Reader Laurel McAfee and her husband were trying to convince grandson Sam, 7, to watch “Apollo 13” with them. He was obviously hesitating. Finally, he confessed.

“I’m afraid I won’t understand it because I haven’t seen the first ones.”