Wilt’s Assessment of League Anything but Stilted

News flash: Wilt joins mainstream.

“First time in my entire life I’m in the majority,” Wilt Chamberlain rumbles. “I’ve always been way out left or way out right. But all of a sudden, I’m writing this book about how sports have gone crazy . . .

“People say, ‘What do you mean, crazy?’

“I say, ‘Have you ever watched a game and they tell you it’s a 20-second timeout--and have you ever seen how many commercials they run on that 20-second timeout? They’ve got four and five commercials on a 20-second timeout. What are these, three-second commercials? I mean, come on.”

Yes, the common fan has a new, large consumer advocate. At 60, Chamberlain still has a controversial opinion or two he needs to get off his chest and is hard at work promoting “Who’s Running the Asylum” (ProMotion Publishing, $19.95), his third book.

His first, a straightforward autobiography with a ghost writer, described his many superhuman

accomplishments, most of which he actually came close to doing, and advised readers:

“If I tell you a mouse can pull a house, don’t argue. Hitch it up.”

His second, “View from the Top,” also known as “the 20,000-woman book,” kept comedians busy for a year. Wilt says he feels bad about appearing to endorse promiscuity and has apologized to many women friends.

“That was the first book I wrote myself,” he says. “I undoubtedly phrased it wrong or didn’t think of the repercussions. . . .

“I said to myself, as a writer, ‘How do I tell people that I’ve been involved a lot?’ I can say, ‘I’ve been involved a lot.’ Well, what does a lot mean? I thought about the fact that, as I walk around the country, people say, ‘Oh, yeah, he’s the guy who scored 100 points.’

“Everyone relates to numbers--so I threw a number at them. And sure enough, I proved to be right about throwing that number out, about people relating to that.”

This book, of course, zings all your favorites, from Alaa Abdelnaby to Max Zaslofsky. Without further ado, we’ll turn the column over to Wilt.

On today’s high salaries, or the Chamberlain Theory of the NBA Surcharge:

“I used to believe that an athlete should get a chance to make whatever he can make. His livelihood’s short. But I no longer believe that.

“If they pay a player $120 million and you’re sitting over there saying, ‘I don’t care what this guy’s making, I’m not going to go to any basketball games. They can raise the ticket prices, won’t make any difference to me.’

“What you don’t understand, though, is your doctor goes to basketball games, takes his family, and all of a sudden, instead of it being $45 a ticket for him and his wife, it’s now $145.

“So next time you go to your doctor, the bill is $15-20 extra. The doctor’s going to get that money from somewhere. And you don’t even know it. You say, ‘I didn’t know Shaquille [O’Neal] was going to affect me that way.’ ”

On the Lakers’ problem in the playoffs:

“If you’ll check, you’ll see I scored a lot less in playoffs [22.1 points a game] than in the regular season [30.1]. Teams simply would not let me get the ball. . . .

“I saw the game a couple weeks ago where Shaq hit the jumper to beat Utah. I said to myself, ‘Now if they need that to win, they’re gonna be in trouble.’ First of all, centers are tougher to go to in crucial times because you can double-team and triple-team them. A guard should be handling the ball in crucial times because he’s out on the floor and you sure can’t put two or three guys on Michael Jordan because that leaves the basket wide open.”

On expansion:

“I ask the commissioner, please, no more expansion. If they do it again, I would let teams freeze four players so the guy you’d get would actually be a good player.”

On the current expansion scheme, with seven players protected and teams barred from the No. 1 pick for four years:

“How would it be if a friend came to you and said, ‘I’m opening up a French restaurant in Sherman Oaks and I’d like you to come and patronize our place. But the service is going to be lousy for the first four or five years until we get things ironed out. And the food’s gonna stink for about eight or nine years. But I appreciate your coming and giving us some business. And then, when things really get good, the prices are going to go up!’

“Now, would you want to go to that restaurant? That’s what they’re giving you with expansion. That’s why I say, ‘Are we that crazy?’ ”

He’s right. He’s getting closer to the mainstream. He’s not there yet, but he’s gaining on it.

WHAT TO BUY WACKOS WHO HAVE EVERYTHING

As you may remember, irrepressible Nick Van Exel promised to buy each SuperSonic a $100 gift if Seattle overhauled the Lakers for the Pacific Division title.

Of course, that’s just what happened. Van Exel is busy these days, so we’ve put together a shopping list for him.

George Karl--A subscription to Mad magazine so he might study the words of Alfred E. Neuman, “What me, worry?”

Gary Payton--Earplugs, to protect his ears from the noise pollution coming out of his mouth.

Sam Perkins--Twenty pounds of gourmet coffee. It would be great to see his eyes open before he retires.

Jim McIlvaine--For $35 million, let him buy his own gifts.

Shawn Kemp--An alarm clock.

NAMES AND NUMBERS

War Between the Celtics (cont.): The Boston Globe reported that M.L. Carr will be eased out of both of his jobs but will buy into the team. Meanwhile, Larry Bird, whom the Celtics want to keep out of Indiana, is being allowed to court the Pacers’ Larry Brown. “I just think anyone would have to be interested in a franchise with the history of the Boston Celtics,” Brown says. “Larry didn’t say what his role was going to be, but he just told me that the Celtics are a big part of him and that’s why he’s taking this interest.” Comment: Sounds like a committee solution, trying to keep all factions happy, Brown being the one name Bird, Carr and Red Auerbach can agree on. . . . One name they can’t agree on: Rick Pitino. Carr is a little upset that Pitino volunteered for his job. “Usually the way it works is that management picks the coach,” Carr says. “The coach doesn’t pick management.”

The Celtics recorded their franchise-record 67th loss in a 125-94 rout by the Toronto Raptors on what was, however inappropriately, their Fan Appreciation Day. Unappreciative fans booed the announcement that one of them would get a signed Alton Lister jersey. Celtic players weren’t any more into it. Yelled one as they came out for the second half, trailing, 64-49: “C’mon, let’s get this thing over with!” . . . More Brown suitors: The Philadelphia 76ers, worried Pitino will turn them down, asked the Pacers for permission to talk to him. . . . Washington’s Chris Webber, on matching up with Chicago’s Dennis Rodman: “It’s just a man. Or a female. Whatever it is.”

More on the shotgun marriage of General Manager Don Nelson and Coach Jim Cleamons, arranged by Dallas owner Ross Perot Jr.: The Mavericks say Ross Jr.--and Ross Sr.--have always encouraged divergent viewpoints. This is certainly one. Nelson is a free-wheeling offensive coach, Cleamons a conservative. Nelson, on the suggestion that they’re philosophical opposites: “That might be accurate.” . . . The Denver Nuggets fired Dick Motta, who has another year at $750,000 on his contract. (Thanks, Bernie Bickerstaff. We’ll meet in Aruba and split the haul.) New General Manager Allan Bristow is expected to hire Hawk assistant Bill Hanzlik.

The 76ers fired Coach Johnny Davis and General Manager Brad Greenberg. Davis, overmatched from Day 1, blamed the press for being “downright cruel and inhumane.” . . . Cruelty and inhumanity must be spreading. New York’s Larry Johnson, surly all season, cursed writers asking about his matchup with Anthony Mason, storming, “Get away from me, you evil men of writing! Let me repeat myself, . . . y’all!” . . . And now it’s in Chicago too. The Bulls declared their own media blackout. Said nice guy Steve Kerr, “It’s the playoffs. We’re just trying to get ready. The way to prepare is to be physically and mentally ready. That doesn’t mean talk to you guys all day.”

Jordan and Tiger Woods played golf in Chicago with helicopters from TV stations hovering overhead, which might have been why Jordan declined to talk to the press. Word was that Jordan got 14 strokes and beat Woods. . . . Still retired after all this year: Magic Johnson turned down an Eastern team that wanted him to come back for the playoffs. Way to go, big guy. . . . The Knicks’ Chris Childs on Buck Williams’ refusal to join teammates shaving their heads: “If he cut off his hair, his head would look like a toaster. It’s all square.”