There Was No Change of Heart

Downey’s California:

--San Francisco has apparently approved a new football stadium for the 49ers. Gee, what a wonderful concept . . . a new football stadium. Why didn’t we think of that?

I might have to start saying that San Franciscans are cooler than we are. Up till now, all I usually say is that San Franciscans are north of us.

A new $525-million stadium and mall would open in 2000. I suppose they could name the stadium after Mayor Willie Brown, quarterback Steve Young and receiver Jerry Rice, but I don’t know. Brown-Young-Rice sounds more like a side dish.

First opponent for the 49ers there could be the Los Angeles Jets, the Los Angeles Seahawks or the Oakland Los Angeles Oakland Los Angeles Raiders, depending on which NFL team fails to emotionally extort voters into financing a stadium.

Mayor Brown was so thrilled about San Francisco’s passing the ballot measure, he didn’t even call any of the negative voters a disgrace to humankind. Temporary quarterbacks, OK. Taxpayers, no.

Another happy, happy Northern Californian was the 49er president, Carmen Policy, who quoted an old Chinese proverb: “One ugly victory is better than a thousand glorious defeats.” A thousand glorious defeats? He must mean the Rams.

By the way, how come nobody ever quotes a new Chinese proverb?

I congratulate the 49ers on their diabolically clever plot to frighten San Franciscans out of their wits by suggesting the 49ers could move to Los Angeles--or, as it’s known up there, the Lost World.

It takes a village to save a football team. San Franciscans were so nervous at the thought of losing the 49ers. I haven’t seen anybody that nervous in San Francisco since the cops questioned Sharon Stone in the interrogation room.

To celebrate, Mayor Brown opened a magnum of champagne and danced atop a table. Exotic dancing is one of the city’s trademarks.

I want to send the mayor, the 49ers and the entire population of the Bay Area my sincere good wishes for their new football stadium, and I invite them to come down here in 2000 to witness the grand opening of our new L.A. Memorial Coliseum Trailer Park and Flea Market.

--Secretariat could kick Silver Charm’s butt.

--To have a sixth consecutive rookie of the year, the Dodgers will need a big second half from second baseman Corky Guerrero.

--Next time, Michael Johnson should challenge Donovan Bailey to run 75 meters.

--I see Spike Lee is on the cover of a new book. Does this man own any clothing that he didn’t get at Foot Locker?

--Yo, Spike: The question isn’t whether your New York Knicks could have beaten Michael Jordan and the Bulls. The question is whether your New York Knicks could have beaten Michael Jordan.

--Yo, Mike: U came, Utah, U conquered.

--Attention, Karl Malone knockers: 20 points, 13 rebounds is not exactly a rotten night.

--I am so pleased that Detroit is about to win a Stanley Cup, and I say to all my dear friends there in Michigan: Stay indoors! Do not go outside! Fasten your seat belts, it’s going to be a bumpy night!

--Maybe the Flyers should play Ron Hextall and Garth Snow.

--I still say Russian Red Wings sounds like an appetizer at T.G.I. Friday’s.

--Just wondering: If Julius Erving and Chuck Daly were in Orlando back when Shaq was still there, would Shaq still be a Magic?

--Ila Borders is the only left-hander the Angels haven’t tried.

--Tiger Woods is so good, he could win a golf tournament playing with a Small Bertha.