Albert Should Resolve Problems Before Going on the Air

It’s bad enough that our sports stars are regulars in police lineups. Now, the sportscasters are joining them too.

Has NBC explored thoroughly the potential problem of having Marv Albert continue to broadcast sporting events, given that he’s facing serious sexual-assault charges (allegations he has denied)? A sportscaster must wear the mantle of credibility while broadcasting, especially nowadays when faced with the ticklish prospect of accounting for the various scoundrels on the field.

One can picture some awkward moments during upcoming telecasts:

ALBERT: Welcome to today’s game pitting the Dallas Cowboys and the St. Louis Rams, two teams that failed to meet expectations last year but are loaded with talented players and have high hopes for the season. With me is broadcast partner Paul Maguire.

MAGUIRE: Marv, what makes this game even more interesting is that it features a record number of players who have had run-ins with the law at one time or another. There haven’t been this many cons on a football field since “The Longest Yard.”

ALBERT (icily): Why do you find that interesting, Paul?

MAGUIRE (chuckling): Well, it just shows how forgiving, or should I say, sports-crazy, society has become that these players haven’t been ostracized.

ALBERT: That’s kind of a cheap shot, Paul. Why in the world would you want to ostracize them? Don’t you think a person has a right to make a living?

MAGUIRE: Well, sure, Marv. It’s just that it detracts a bit from the game to know you’re watching lawbreakers down there on the field. We don’t need a referee for this game; we need a parole officer.

ALBERT: It might bother you, but it doesn’t bother me. But let’s get to some of today’s key players. St. Louis running back Lawrence Phillips is a guy everyone says is about to bust loose in this league, Paul. What impresses you about him?

MAGUIRE: His acceleration, his toughness. But we’d be remiss if we didn’t point out he’s had a number of scrapes with the law, including a misdemeanor assault on a girlfriend and a subsequent DUI while on probation.

ALBERT: That’s it?

MAGUIRE: Well, he’s young yet.

ALBERT: As usual, the Cowboys are loaded. Troy Aikman and Emmitt Smith are poised to have big years. What do you expect from Michael Irvin?

MAGUIRE: Hard to say, Marv. He’s had a tumultuous last couple of years. The no-contest plea for cocaine possession last year and then the controversy over the phony rape charge against him. Trouble seems to find this guy.

ALBERT: Sounds like he’s the victim to me. My heart goes out to him. If there’s anything more vile or disgusting than having someone file a phony charge against you, I don’t know what it’d be. What kind of support has Coach Barry Switzer given him?

MAGUIRE: Barry has kept a low profile so far this season. As fans might remember, he was arrested not too long ago for having a loaded gun in a suitcase at the airport.

ALBERT: Trumped-up.

MAGUIRE: Well, not exactly. Barry admitted it. He just said it was inadvertent.

ALBERT: Well, there you go. An honest mistake. I’m sure if Barry had a gun in his suitcase, it was there for a good reason.

MAGUIRE: You’re right, Marv. It’s not the worst offense in the world. It’s not like he forced himself on a woman in a hotel room.

ALBERT: What’s that supposed to mean?

MAGUIRE: Nothing. I’m just saying--

ALBERT: I know exactly what you’re saying. (Voice rising) Do you know what it’s like to be framed, Paul? Do you? (Screaming now) Can you imagine that? Or has your life been so goody-goody that you’ve never done anything wrong?

MAGUIRE: Really, Marv, you’re getting a bit too emotional. You’re missing the opening kickoff.

ALBERT (beating Maguire with his headset): I’m going to trial in three weeks, you nitwit! Do you really think I care about some stupid football game? What am I doing here?

MAGUIRE: That’s a good question, Marv. I guess I would have thought you’d take care of your legal problems before coming back to work.

ALBERT (calming down): Maybe you’re right.

MAGUIRE: On the other hand, if anyone can relate to what these guys down on the field have gone through, you’re the guy, Marv.

ALBERT (glumly): Quit trying to cheer me up.

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Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by calling (714) 966-7821 or by writing to him at the Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or by e-mail to dana.parsons@latimes.com