The New Motto: In Your Faith

For those of you scoring at home, baseball is still counting on you to buy tickets and help pay the raises of the players, like the Atlanta pitcher who just got a $57.5-million extension, so he can continue to appear in one of every five games.

Your money also will go for needy causes, like that of the outfielder who just got caught in an Anaheim motel with an addictive substance, which did not appear to be sunflower seeds.

Oh, and if you don’t like it? Well, the TV advertisements of a prominent sporting-goods company tell you exactly what you can do:

“Move to Norway.”

Charming, charming.

I, for one, am avoiding Oslo. For all I know, if the superstars of cross-country skiing don’t get a new contract soon, they might go on strike and ski off the job.

After the players and their bosses trash-canned the 1994 season, many of baseball’s fans swore they would never attend another game.

Come back, the players said.

Come back, the bosses said.

Bring the whole family.

We were told that baseball would do everything in its power to “restore the faith” of the average fan. Baseball would make sure a fan felt good about the game again.

Gradually, the fans came back.

Attendance diminished, TV ratings dipped, but the crowds did return. Gimmick games--Dodgers versus Angels, Yankees versus Mets, White Sox versus Cubs--gave the sport a buzz. Players from the Far East, South America, Cuba brought new fans to the park.

Many were eager to see how baseball would “restore their faith.”

A second baseman from Baltimore spat in an umpire’s face.

Baseball acted quickly to restore fans’ faith, mainly by handing the umpire a towel.

That was last year’s mess.

This year, of course, baseball players are continuing to do everything they can to welcome you back to the national pastime.

Take spring training, for instance, when John Valentin of the Boston Red Sox staged a two-day walkout from camp, because the Red Sox had the gall to ask him to move from shortstop to second base.

You can’t treat players like garbage.

“Like garbage” was the quote from pitcher Wilson Alvarez recently, when the White Sox had the indecency to trade him to a first-place team. A player shouldn’t have to stand for that.

A couple of Dodger pitchers reacted understandably, on June 5 and again three days later, when Manager Bill Russell cruelly brought in relief pitchers. They went after the manager in the dugout.

Our old pal Albert Belle spent his June 3 in Cleveland, where fans booed him for leaving Cleveland’s team. Belle gave the fans the finger and called them “village idiots,” possibly unaware that Cleveland is much too large to be a village.

Also booed by fans, Yankee pitcher Hideki Irabu spat in their general direction. Perhaps a spitter is still permissible in Japan.

Belle refused to play in the All-Star game, Colorado’s Larry Walker refused to bat against Seattle’s Randy Johnson in an interleague game--because, after all, he might strike out--and L.A.’s own Wilton Guerrero got caught with a corked bat, in three fine examples of players restoring fans’ faith.

On July 9, Doc Gooden of the New York Yankees reached an out-of-court settlement with a Texas taxi driver he had allegedly assaulted. I don’t know how badly the guy got hurt. Good thing a doc was present.

Yankee teammate Mark Whiten was accused of sexually assaulting a 31-year-old woman in July, while his wife was elsewhere, giving birth.

Left fielder Wil Cordero of the Red Sox was arrested in June for assaulting his wife and threatening to kill her. A previous wife of Wil’s said something on the order of, “What a coincidence,” claiming he also had beaten her.

On July 19, Mo Vaughn of the Red Sox was accused of hitting a 24-year-old man at a nude dance club, which is better than dancing with a 24-year-old nude man, but just barely.

Last weekend’s arrest of Tony Phillips--with cocaine and drug paraphernalia that gave “Angel dust” an all-new meaning--capped this season’s faith-restoring baseball activities. The Angels were so upset, they actually thought about making Phillips miss an inning or two.

I know ballplayers don’t like it much, when we make so much of their errors.

Tell you what:

If they don’t like it, they can move to Finland.