Punch Lines

In the Sky: The Pentagon has admitted its new stealth bombers must be sheltered or exposed only to the most benign environment--low humidity, moderate temperatures, no moisture. “Embarrassed Air Force officials confirmed that they often have to call in the elite Scotchgard unit to keep them flying.” (Bob Mills)

* “The stealth bomber doesn’t work well in wet weather,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “Here’s hoping we never have to bomb Seattle.”

The FAA is encouraging pilots to help watch for hazardous materials loaded onto their planes, says Bill Williams. “There is an added bonus for Continental pilots. By reading the labels on the freight, they’ll know where they’re supposed to land.”

A spacecraft bound for Saturn contains 600,000 signatures, says Joe Kevany. “I guess Ross Perot’s Reform Party decided to take its business elsewhere.”

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On Campus: Caltech students were named the nation’s most sober by the Princeton Review. “CalTech students put all their energy into pranks,” explains Argus Hamilton. “Sooner or later, the Russians are going to wonder why Mir is orbiting O.J.’s house.”

* The same report named West Virginia the nation’s top party school. “But they have to win 10 titles before they can join Wisconsin, Florida State and Oklahoma as an officially certified Betty Ford preschool.” (Hamilton)

* “Give you an idea what kind of party school West Virginia is: This year, the commencement speaker was Charlie Sheen.” (Jay Leno)

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People in the News: Martha Stewart now has her own Web page. “But you can only get it if you are running Stained Glass Windows 95.” (Mills)

Charlie Manson was transferred after drug trafficking in prison. “Prison officials were concerned that he’d expose other murderers to drugs,” says Johnny Robish.

* “How crazy do you have to be to buy drugs from Charles Manson?” asks Leno. “ ‘Hey, Charlie, those drugs aren’t dangerous are they?’ ‘No, I do them all the time.’ ”

The Redskins fined wide receiver Michael Westbrook $50,000 for punching out teammate Stephen Davis during practice last week. “Who knows why these things happen? One minute you’re discussing Einstein’s failed quest for a unified field theory, the next you’re pounding each others brains in.” (Daily Scoop)

Teamsters president Ron Carey, facing a new election, is creating a sensation in Washington, says Stan Kaplan. “He is accused of accepting illegal campaign contributions from Americans.”

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Reader Glynis Williams stopped at a grocery store for potato chips and soda on the way to a company picnic. In front of the chip display, she asked her daughter Melissa, 3, what kind of chips they should buy.

Melissa answered, “Chocolate chips.”