Punch Lines

The Whole Spiel: Author Barbara Chase-Riboud is suing Steven Spielberg for allegedly plagiarizing her novel “Echo of Lions” for his film “Amistad.” “Yesterday, she told reporters, ‘I hope Spielberg doesn’t try to steal my new novel about scientists who clone dinosaurs for an amusement park.’ ” (Premiere Radio)

Birdbrain of Alcatraz: Actor Robert Downey Jr. was sentenced to six months in jail for using drugs while on parole. “The judge was going to show mercy until he found Downey hollowing out his gavel to use as a crack pipe.” (Premiere Radio)

The San Francisco Strangler: Johnnie Cochran is amazed that his new client, basketball player Latrell Sprewell, was suspended an entire year just for trying to choke his coach. “Cochran said, ‘My last client killed two people, but his punishment wasn’t this bad.’ ” (Jay Leno)

Bird’s-Eye Flu: A strain of flu that once affected only birds is now spreading to humans. “Doctors say the bird virus causes vomiting and diarrhea, and they warn people to spread plenty of newspaper over their floors.” (J.C. Arroyo)

Murder, He Wrought: Dr. Jack Kevorkian attended his 37th assisted suicide last week. But he’s not the only way to go. “For $10 million, Democrats will poison your White House coffee, let you die in the Lincoln bedroom and bury you at Arlington.” (Argus Hamilton)

The X-mas Files: An 1860 manuscript of “Twas the Night Before Christmas” was sold at auction for $211,000. “The buyer is kicking himself now. After the holidays, it’ll be marked down to $14.95 at Barnes & Noble.” (Alan Ray)

Cabin Fever: “The decision to transport accused Unabomber Ted Kaczynski’s cabin by truck was made because of the post office’s understandable reluctance to mail anything from that address.” (Craig Kilborn, Comedy Central)

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The Condensed David Letterman:

Top 10 complaints of President Clinton’s new puppy . . .

9. Late-night walks always end up at local Hooters.

8. Much too easy to mistake Al Gore for a tree.

7. Keep getting yelled at for “fetching” Sam Donaldson’s hairpiece.

2. Unfair having to get “fixed” when Clinton’s the one who really needs it.