Punch Lines

War Stories: The president is still fuming over ex-Arlington National Cemetery resident Larry Lawrence’s questionable war record. “Clinton called it ‘the most outrageous deception regarding military service since me.’ ” (Saturday Night Live)

Grapes of Wrath: Rev. Robert H. Schuller spent the weekend at UC Irvine’s Medical Center recovering from a heart attack. “But he had a relapse while scuffling with a hospital attendant who refused to let him hang up his robe.” (Jenny Church)

Santa Monica Santa: Christmas in California is very different from the rest of the country. “Out here, the Santas don’t look the same. You know, the liposuction, the fanny tucks. And L.A. Santas don’t park on your roof. They valet.” (Jay Leno)

Box Office Bungles: Steven Spielberg’s film “Amistad” is being blasted for historical inaccuracies. “There really was no need for him to add the iceberg collision on the voyage home.” (Argus Hamilton)

Box Office II: “Titanic” also has historical flaws. “In several scenes, Gavin McLeod of ‘The Love Boat’ can be seen screaming, ‘Women, children and Hollywood has-beens first.’ ” (Bob Mills)


Box Office III: Other new movies include “For Richer or Poorer,” “Scream 2" and “Home Alone 3.” “Sounds like the three stages of a Larry King marriage.” (Leno)

Jingle Bombs: Rumor has it that alleged Unabomber Ted Kaczynski is fighting with his attorneys. “I think he wants to make up, though. Today, he told one of the lawyers he wanted to send him a Christmas card.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Ho Ho Ho: Nine-year-old Mallory Blair Greitzer’s wish came true after she wrote a letter asking that the Empire State Building be bathed in blue light this year to celebrate Hanukkah. “ ‘I can’t believe they went to all this trouble just for me,’ Mallory said as she gazed at the building through the blue-tinted glasses they sent her.” (Premiere Radio)


The Essential David Letterman:

Among the Top 10 signs you’re at a bad Christmas party . . .

10. Eggnog smells suspiciously like Liquid Paper.

9. Anyone caught under mistletoe gets choked by Latrell Sprewell.

5. “Christmas tree” is just a fat intern in a green sweater.


* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.