Coaching Transition Seems Like Static Quo

Like a lot of us here in ol’ Southern Cal, I was looking forward to hearing from Paul Hackett.

Well, I did.

“Gzzldorp,” I heard him say.

And: “Frgglezmmrrgr.”

Followed by garble that sounded like: “Schttnhmmer. Knszs Cztty. My Grrrrit. Gin Robbnsn.”

Our phone connection was so poor, Hackett must have been calling on a Sports Illustrated Sneaker Phone. Either that or one from Fisher-Price. It was only the latest glitch in one of the most clumsily handled coaching transitions I have ever seen in any sport, pro, college or prep.

Nobody felt more foolish than Hackett, USC football’s new phone-a-coach. “This is a disgrace,” he said at one point of Thursday’s conference-call connection. And later, something like: “This is really bad. I don’t know, can you even hear me?”

At least, that’s what I think the poor guy said. I couldn’t always tell. Voices overlapped. Static crackled. In the background sometimes, it sounded as though Hackett were calling from the middle of the Rose Parade, with a team of Clydesdale horses in front of him and Bob Eubanks behind him, gabbing about a float made entirely out of Kansas City cow chips.

So far, everything about SC’s coaching change that could go wrong has gone wrong. The only thing that hasn’t happened yet is for the new USC coach to say: “Southern California? I thought this was job was South Carolina.”

What a situation-comedy this has become. I’m thinking of calling it: “Men Behaving Abysmally.”

First comes the news that the old coach is fired, which is apparently news to the coach. I think he heard it at a 7-Eleven or something, buying a Slurpee. I think the cashier said: “That’ll be $4.95. And oh, by the way, did you hear USC’s coach got fired?”

Then came the hiring of the new coach, who still hasn’t come within 100 miles of campus. What did USC do--advertise on the Internet? The coach’s contract even got fouled up in the transmission. Then he was put on the telephone to meet the press, but had such a lousy connection that L.A.’s radio people were complaining about picking up sounds from outer space that could have been Sigourney Weaver killing an alien.

The guillotining of John Robinson did not go smoothly. Mike Garrett gets rid of the help with all the tact of Leona Helmsley. The USC athletic director dismisses and disses his coaches simultaneously, whether a young basketball coach such as Charlie Parker is shown the door in midseason or an old football coach such as Robinson is fired by phone, which is a step above being notified by carrier pigeon.

All this comes on the heels of USC offering the job first to Lou Holtz, the former coach of Notre bleepin’ Dame. A lot of people felt this was like Michael Eisner making Mickey Mouse his second choice, after first offering the job to Bugs Bunny.

A couple of NFL guys from Notre Dame, eighth-year center Tim Grunhard and fourth-year wide receiver Lake Dawson, have been giving Hackett the business at Kansas City Chief camp. As a put-on, neither of them has smiled at their offensive coordinator at practice, because of his unforgivable sin of becoming coach at “Southern Cal.”

Ha, ha. You Notre Dame guys, you haven’t had much to smile about lately, have you?

Other players whistle the school’s fight song at the USC coach before practice, Hackett says. When he knocks off five minutes early, they joke that he must be off calling up USC’s recruits.

He’s our long-distance coach. Fifteen hundred miles and a cloud of dust. With MCI or Sprint, maybe he could coach USC football at a discount.

On his conference call, the new Trojan coach told everybody not to worry, “I am not hiding in Tahiti on a beach,” and that he is getting a work furlough from Marty Schottenheimer and the Chiefs so that he can visit Los Angeles, which is always a good thing for a USC football coach to do, whenever he has a free moment.

I am baffled by this turn of events, that SC’s coaching flip-flop could be handled so awkwardly. Just getting the coach to meet the media has been about as easy as getting George Clooney to pose for paparazzi. One of these days, USC’s head coach might even get to meet his assistant coaches, or his returning players. You know, the little things.

Things have been hectic for Hackett.

“I’ve had to put in a full game plan for New Orleans,” he said of this Sunday’s opponent, as well as take over the USC program. “That may sound crazy to everyone.”

It does. Who needs a game plan to play New Orleans?

But seriously, USC’s team is in good hands. I do not hate what was done to John Robinson, only the way it was done. I haven’t seen a send-off that rude since the United Nations’ weapons inspector was told to leave Iraq.