Guess This Broadcaster’s Name: Hint, His Wardrobe’s All-Black

Who am I?

Here’s a hint: One recent Sunday, I said the following things on television:

1. “He guessed it was an in or an out--and it was a go. He squatted at 17.”

2. “You gotta be able to handle a TE, a TT and an ET.”

Who am I? Do we have a guess?

Professor Irwin Corey?

No, sorry.

Here are some more hints. I also said:

3. “You’re gonna see stunts by the blitz. By stunts, I mean loops.”

4. “They’re playing the perfect funnel on the halfback flare.”

I see we have another guess. Who am I?

William Safire?

Nope.

Let’s try one more:

5. “They shook up Hostetler with a cover-2. This is gonna be flat, flat, sag, flat. And Hostetler said “uh-oh’.”

Who am I?

Of course! I’m Jerry Glanville.

I’m the closest thing to inbreeding on national television.

And here’s my M.O.: I may know what I’m talking about--but you certainly don’t.

That’s why I actually say stuff like, “You gotta run faster than you are.” And you scratch your head and ask, “How did this schmoe get on TV? He must have photographs of Rupert Murdoch with a duck.”

Here’s how you know the Redskins are in trouble: When there are only three games to go in the season, and the Redskins have Jerry Glanville broadcasting their game. There is national coverage and regional coverage--then there’s Glanville coverage. If Glanville’s doing a game, Fox is broadcasting to an area so small that your neighbors across the street may not get it. Here’s how far down on the pecking order Glanville is: The color man just below Glanville is Boris Yeltsin.

Glanville even rubbed off on broadcast partner Kevin Harlan. Late in the game Harlan said, “The Redskins haven’t won here in the valley of the sun since 1992 . . . it’s five long years for Norv Turner.” Which was fine, except for the fact that a) the Redskins hadn’t won in Arizona since 1991, and b) Norv Turner has only been coaching the Redskins since 1994. It reminded me of a famous line by a Boston scribe, who referred to the stadium in Minneapolis as “the Herbert H. Humphrey Metrodome, named after the late president.” I guess it’s the thought that counts.

Before we go any further, let me congratulate the Redskins on doing the one critical thing they had to do against Arizona: Be ahead by more than eight points with less than two minutes to go. Since we all know what the Redskins two-minute defense has done lately--squadoosh. It gave up the winning points in the last two minutes of the Dallas game. It gave up a touchdown in the last two minutes of the first half against the St. Louis Rams, and then the winning field goal in the last two minutes of the game. It gave up a touchdown in the last two minutes of the first half against Arizona too. In the case of the Redskins’ two-minute defense, the best defense is a good offense. And Washington had that.

Old pro Brian Mitchell gave the Redskins a jump start with a first quarter that included a 63-yard punt return touchdown and a 69-yard pass reception. And older pro Jeff Hostetler was everything fans hoped he would be-and so much more than he had been against the New York Giants three weeks ago. Hostetler is no swan. He’s ungainly, and he squirms around like a worm. But he’s a pro. He’s been doing this for a long time, and he knows how to make the train run.

Hostetler had barely thrown to his wide receivers all game until Aeneas Williams got hurt. Then, with the Cardinals playing rookie cornerbacks, Hoss got busy finding Michael Westbrook, Henry Ellard and Albert Connell. There may not have been a more welcome sight all season than Hoss laying on his back, pointing his index fingers to the sky after a touchdown pass. Every quarterback has a different style of celebrating a touchdown. Joe Montana raised his arms in triumph; John Elway clenches his fists. Hoss points his fingers. Gus smashes his head into a wall. Go figure.

So the Redskins finally won in Arizona. And they finally won without Terry Allen. To give Glanville some credit, his best line came after Harlan mentioned the possibility that Allen’s ankle sprain might cause him to miss the Redskins’ last three games. Chagrined that an ankle sprain would take so long, Glanville said, “If your doctor can’t get him back, you gotta get a new doctor.”