Punch Lines

Sing & Snore Gore: The White House will soon take President Clinton’s dog to the vet to have him checked for worms. “They’re also going to have Al Gore checked for termites.” (David Letterman)

Wonder Bra: Superman’s cape and Madonna’s bustier were offered at an auction last week. “The difference between the two is that one is bulletproof and provides incredible lift and the other is a cape.” (Alex Kaseberg)

A Jet Engine Might Also Work: “The L.A. City Council’s ban on leaf blowers won’t hurt gardeners as much as expected. Boxing promoter Don King has offered to buy the machines so he can use them to blow-dry his hair.” (Earl Hochman)

Tomorrow Never Ends: The 18th James Bond movie, “Tomorrow Never Dies,” opened to lukewarm reviews over the weekend. “Most critics watching the film fumbled in the dark for a seat switch that they hoped would eject them from the theater.” (Premiere Radio)

Surf’s Up: Meanwhile, “Titanic” sailed to the top of the box office charts. “But studio execs were furious over the reviews. Every single write-up gave away the ending.” (Argus Hamilton)

Blowin’ in the Wind: “It’s so windy I saw a dog sticking his head out of a parked car.” (Jay Leno)

Jingle Bail: In the true spirit of Christmas, LAPD officers will take fingerprints using red and green ink and will snap mug shots with the suspect seated on Santa’s lap. (Jenny Church)

Better Sleep With One Eye Open, John: John Wayne Bobbitt said he’d like to get back with his ex-wife, Lorena. “Didn’t she make it pretty clear she didn’t want to see him anymore? Talk about guys who can’t take a hint.” (Leno)

Bank of Flubber: President Clinton is worried about the Asian economy. “Apparently the last check to Al Gore bounced.” (Leno)

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The Essential David Letterman:

Top 10 signs it’s the holidays in New York City . . .

9. Instead of yellow tape, cops close off murder scenes with festive holly.

5. Gullible tourists purchase Rockefeller Center Christmas tree for $100.

3. Police investigate the season’s first sleigh-jacking.

1. Two words: crack nog.

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