Punch Lines

* Hot and Cold: “Everybody is talking about the movie ‘Titanic.’ It’s very impressive. Leonardo DiCaprio is terrific as the young lover, Kate Winslet is wonderful as the young heiress, and best of all, Marlon Brando is amazing as the iceberg.” (Jay Leno)

* 7-Up: There’s talk of a possible movie about Bobbi McCaughey, the mother of the septuplets. “It’s gonna be her story about how she gave birth. I think it’s called ‘Scream 3.’ ” (Leno)

* Big (Blank): David Schramm, the man behind the “Big Bang Theory” of how the universe was created, died in a plane crash this week. “A witness to the crash said, ‘I heard a big thud . . . no, a boom . . . no, a wham . . . Hmmm, I can’t find the word I’m looking for.’ ” (Premiere Radio)

* Daddy’s Girl: Woody Allen has reportedly married his former lover’s adopted daughter, Soon-Yi. “The bride’s entrance was a bit confusing. Allen didn’t know whether to wait for her at the altar as the groom, or walk her down the aisle as the father.” (Roy Rivenburg)

* Holiday Loot Report: “I got a great present, the Chia Clapper. Clap once and the grassy hair shoots up. Clap twice and it goes bald.” (Alex Kaseberg)

* More Loot: “I got the worst Christmas gift from NBC. It’s a Chia Pet Fruitcake. You put water on it and it grows fur.” (Leno)

* Austen Powers: “I got a three-video set of hit movies based on Jane Austen novels: ‘Sense and Sensibility,’ ‘Pride and Prejudice’ and ‘Dumb and Dumber.’ ” (Rivenburg)

* Computer Geek of 1997: Time magazine has named Intel CEO Andrew Grove its Man of the Year. “The annual issue includes an ‘Intel Inside’ sticker on the cover.” (Johnny Robish)

* Legal Weapon: The California Supreme Court will hear two Boy Scout cases, one involving twins who refused to say the word “God” in their oaths and the other about a Scout denied adult membership because he’s gay. “And just out of habit, Disney-owned ABC will televise both court proceedings to infuriate Southern Baptists.” (Joshua Sostrin)

* Divine Intervention: A new poll shows that belief in God is higher than it was 10 years ago. “The resurgence in faith apparently began right after cancellation of ‘The A-Team.’ ” (Premiere Radio)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.