Punch Lines

Top of the News: The hand-over of Hong Kong to China was accomplished with great pomp. “Ten thousand homing pigeons were released toward provinces in China,” says Bob Mills. “And to demonstrate China’s prosperity, each one carried a black market American music video.”

* “Now that Hong Kong has switched, it’s only a matter of time before they’ll be bothered at dinner time by AT&T;, Sprint and MCI trying to get them to switch again.” (Dennis Miller)

* “Politically, China is doing very well. The British gave them Hong Kong and the Democrats are selling them Washington.” (Sam Kaplan)

* “Chinese President Jiang Zemin brushed off concerns that democracy would be wiped out in Hong Kong. He announced that China practices democracy too. For anyone who doesn’t like it, it’s one man, one boat.” (Argus Hamilton)

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Starr Wars: Both parties say Whitewater special investigator Kenneth Starr has gone too far. “Even his staff says so. His door now sports the sign, Supreme Starr Fleet Commander.” (Bill Williams)

* “Signs that Whitewater may have gone on too long: Staff has started calling Kenneth Dr. Strangelove. . . . Investigators have been spotted at freeway off-ramps holding signs that say, ‘Will do light yard work for incriminating documents.’. . . FBI agents display bumper stickers that say, ‘Honk if you can prove Clinton had an affair.’ ” (Mills)

* “Starr is no dummy. If he’s going to sell Whitewater to the public, he’s got to put some sex into it.” (Alan Ray)

* “A grand jury is impaneled in Oklahoma City to investigate the bombing. They want to know whether the Feds had prior knowledge of the bomb. Starr is also interested in whether Clinton slept with Jennifer McVeigh.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

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Hollywood Insights: “Last night a leap second was added to atomic clocks to keep time in sync with the Earth’s orbit,” says Premiere Morning Sickness. “Oddly enough, during that second, the film ‘Gone Fishin’ ’ opened and closed.”

Critics say “My Best Friend’s Wedding” was stolen by actor Rupert Everett. “Too bad he couldn’t steal ‘Speed 2’ before it got to theaters.” (Daily Scoop)

“Andy Warhol said that everyone in America will be famous for 15 minutes--and then play Batman in at least one movie.” (Adam Leslie)

“ ‘Face / Off’ is the No. 1 movie at the box office this week. It’s about two guys who have their faces removed without getting in the ring with Mike Tyson.” (Steve Voldseth)

Reader Mat Bomis was captain on a flight from Sydney to Honolulu. He had been out of the cockpit and was returning when a young Australian couple stopped him to ask a question about the airplane. He felt a tug on his uniform shirt. It was their 4-year-old son who looked up at him and said:

“Go to your room.”