Writers’ Lineup Draws All Spars

Perhaps you remember that, earlier this year, the NBA came out with its “50 Greatest Players of All Time,” presumably a list of the best gentlemen who ever dribbled a basketball.

I objected to this list, because it left off such illustrious dudes as Bob McAdoo, Dan Issel and, oh, you know, that fool in Chicago with the tattoos and the wedding dress. It also left off my good buddy Reggie Theus, someone who deserves consideration for any list of illustrious dudes. And it left off Bill Laimbeer, which is, oh, you know, always a pleasure.

Obviously suffering from a bad case of basket envy, baseball today is announcing its “Greatest All-Star Team of All Time,” position by position.

I have it right here. Best catcher, best shortstop, best left-handed pitcher, best designated hitter . . . there’s best everything, except best bat-corker and best tobacco-drooler.

Quite a list it is. Thirty-six card-carrying members of the Baseball Writers Assn. of America put their balding heads together to assemble the list, in time for this season’s All-Star break. Nobody invited me to this party, even though I am proud BBWAA card-carrier No. 142. I would have gladly brought a can of Pringles and fat-free dip.

It appears that the 36 voters were: (a) lifelong baseball fans, (b) doing the best they could, and (c) cold sober, on the day they decided on:

* FIRST BASEMAN--Lou Gehrig.

* SECOND BASEMAN--Rogers Hornsby.

* SHORTSTOP--Honus Wagner.

* THIRD BASE--Mike Schmidt.

* OUTFIELDERS--Ted Williams, Willie Mays, Babe Ruth.

* CATCHER--Johnny Bench.

* STARTING PITCHERS--Walter Johnson (right-hander), Sandy Koufax (left-hander).

* RELIEF PITCHER--Dennis Eckersley.

* DESIGNATED HITTER--Paul Molitor.

* MANAGER--Casey Stengel.

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Well, my brothers and sisters, I say this to you today:

1. Any list of Best Baseball Players that does not include the name of Hank Aaron is a silly, silly little list that is not worth the paper on which it is printed and should be crumpled and thrown into a dumpster or shredded and flushed down a drain or eaten by a billy goat or recycled and turned into a tree. Thank you.

2. PAUL MOLITOR???

3. Any team that cannot find room for Mr. Mantle, Mr. DiMaggio and Mr. Clemente must be one hell of a team.

4. I knew Cy Young personally, and Walter Johnson is no Cy Young.

5. What, no Jose Offerman?

6. Yogi Berra would probably say, “If everybody voted for Johnny Bench, that would make it anonymous.”

7. I love Rogers Hornsby, and all his music.

8. Look, Mike Schmidt can play for me any time. Schmidt could hit. Schmidt gave good mitt. Had he played 81 games a year at Wrigley Field instead of in Philadelphia, I believe Mike Schmidt would have hit 1,000 home runs and we’d be saying, “Hank Who?” “Babe Who?”

Nevertheless, if I had to name the greatest third sacker of all time, and I did not vote for Brooks Robinson, I believe that Satan would welcome me to his permanent Hot Corner Down Below, where he would stab me repeatedly with a pitchfork and cackle: “How could you do that to Brooksie?”

9. Casey Stengel, Butch Hobson, tough call.

10. I believe that Pete Rose did not make this list because he illegally bet on who would make the 50 Greatest Basketball Players of All Time.

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The trouble (and fun) with lists like these is, they make no sense. For example, this designated-hitter thing; the 36 voters forgot to have a clear discussion of how this works, because while some of them voted for Molitor and Harold Baines and guys who have DH’d for several years, others voted for Mr. Mantle and Mr. DiMaggio because they couldn’t find a spot for them in the outfield. Good thinking.

Oh, and two of the 36 voters voted for the legendary Edgar Martinez. You remember old Edgar. Nice career. In fact, I think he’s still having it.

In choosing a right-handed pitcher, 26 of the 36 voters felt no good one has come along since, like, Al Capone ran liquor. To these guys, Bob Feller is a young punk. As for a lefty, Lefty Grove and Lefty Carlton got some support, but not as much as Lefty Koufax and Lefty Spahn. (Oh, and one vote went to Eddie Plank. I wouldn’t know Eddie Plank from Henry VIII.)

Gehrig? OK. Hornsby? OK.

(Roberto Alomar is so mad about this, he could spit.)

I wouldn’t make Honus Wagner my shortstop, unless Bruce McNall and I owned his bubble-gum card. Then again, I hardly ever saw Honus play on my satellite dish. How do you compare Cal Ripken or Ozzie Smith to some guy whose glove looked like a Brillo pad with fingers? If he were alive today, Honus would be in those ads that ask, “Got Milk?”

Babe Ruth wouldn’t. I’m happy for the big ox, and also for Say Hey Willie Mays, who starts in center field. (Ty Cobb would have been so happy for Willie . . . not.)

As for left field, Ted Williams and Stan Musial seemed the only choices. Me, I would have cheated a little and put Aaron there. Sue me.

I guess these voters play by their own rules. These guys would say, “Hank, we could let you be a DH, but you’re no Paul Molitor.”

(BEGIN TEXT OF INFOBOX / INFOGRAPHIC)

All-Time All-Stars Balloting The all-time All-Star team selected by a panel 36 members of the Baseball Writers Assn. of America for the Classic Sports Network. Two points were awarded for a first-place vote and one point for second place. First-place votes in parentheses.

FIRST BASE

1, Lou Gehrig (31), 66 1/2. 2, Jimmie Foxx (3), 19. 3, George Sisler (2), 8. 4, Willie McCovey, 6. 5, Hank Greenberg, 2 1/2. 6, Bill Terry, 2. 7, tie, Stan Musial, Eddie Murray, Mark McGwire, and Frank Thomas 1.

SECOND BASE

1, Rogers Hornsby (17), 44. 2, Joe Morgan (6), 23. 3, Jackie Robinson (6), 15. 4, tie, Charlie Gehringer (4) and Nap Lajoie (3), 11. 6, Eddie Collins (1), 3. 7, Rod Carew, 2. 8, Ryne Sandberg, 1.

THIRD BASE

1, Mike Schmidt (21), 50. 2, Brooks Robinson (13), 37. 3, Eddie Mathews, 5. 4, George Brett (1), 8. 5, Pie Traynor, 3. 6, Pete Rose (1), 2. 7, tie, Frank Baker, Al Rosen and Wade Boggs, 1.

SHORTSTOP

1, Honus Wagner (23), 55. 2, Cal Ripken Jr. (6), 24. 3, Ozzie Smith (5), 16. 4, Ernie Banks (1), 8. 5, tie, Lou Boudreau and Luke Appling, 1.

LEFT FIELD

1, Ted Williams (32), 68. 2, Stan Musial (4), 36. 3, tie, Pete Rose, Ralph Kiner, Rickey Henderson, and Barry Bonds, 1.

CENTER FIELD

1, Willie Mays (25), 57. 2, Ty Cobb (7), 22. 3, Joe DiMaggio (3), 17. 4, Mickey Mantle (1), 10. 5, Tris Speaker, 2.

RIGHT FIELD

1, Babe Ruth (31), 67. 2, Hank Aaron (5), 36. 3, Frank Robinson, 2. 4, tie, Al Kaline, Roberto Clemente and Tony Gwynn, 1.

CATCHER

1, Johnny Bench (24), 52. 2, Yogi Berra (4), 22. 3, Roy Campanella (4), 17. 4, Mickey Cochrane (1), 5. 5, Bill Dickey (1), 4. 6, Gabby Hartnett (1), 3. 7, Carlton Fisk, 2.

LEFT-HANDED STARTER

1, Sandy Koufax (11), 32. 2, Warren Spahn (11), 28. 3, Lefty Grove (8), 25. 4, Steve Carlton (4), 12. 5, Carl Hubbell, 6. 6, Whitey Ford (1), 3. 7, Eddie Plank (1), 2.

RIGHT-HANDED STARTER

1, Walter Johnson (9), 30. 2, Cy Young (12), 25. 3, Christy Mathewson (5), 18. 4, Bob Feller (4), 10. 5, Bob Gibson (2), 9. 6, Nolan Ryan (2), 7. 7, Tom Seaver (1), 3. 8, tie, Greg Maddux (1), Grover Cleveland Alexander and Juan Marichal, 2.

RELIEF PITCHER

1, Dennis Eckersley (16), 40. 2, Rollie Fingers (9), 29. 3, Lee Smith (4), 13. 4, Hoyt Wilhelm (3), 10. 5, Rich Gossage (3), 9. 6, Bruce Sutter (1), 6. 7, Dan Quisenberry, 1.

DESIGNATED HITTER

1, Paul Molitor (22), 48. 2, Harold Baines (3), 12. 3, Don Baylor (1), 10. 4, Edgar Martinez (2), 9. 5, Ty Cobb (2), 6. 6, Hal McRae (1), 5. 7, tie, Mickey Mantle (1) and Dave Parker (1), 3. 9, tie, Joe DiMaggio (1), Lee May, Frank Robinson and Tony Oliva, 1.

MANAGER

1, Casey Stengel (6), 22. 2, Joe McCarthy (6), 18. 3, Connie Mack (7), 17. 4, John McGraw (6), 14. 5, Sparky Anderson (3), 11. 6, Leo Durocher (2), 6. 7, Dick Williams (1), 4. 8, Billy Martin (1), 3. 9, tie, Al Lopez (1), Ned Hanlon (1), Whitey Herzog (1), Earl Weaver and Bobby Cox, 2. 13, Tony La Russa 1.