In New York, L.A. Isn’t Even on the Map

Oh puh-leeze .

For years, Los Angeles has whined that it doesn’t get any respect from New York. Some crybabies have even demanded a ban on La-La jokes. But now comes the ultimate complaint.

L.A. is being “colonized” by the Big Apple, gripes L.A.’s own Patt Morrison in a June 27 Times column. It’s a plot--and proof is everywhere:

First, Macy’s, Barneys and Bloomingdale’s replace Bullock’s, Magnin and Buffums. Next, Santa Monica is invaded by Manhattan Realtors. Joey Buttafuoco wants to be a movie star, and soon the whole town is overrun by crazy New York drivers.

Fade to black.

“Everything you need to know and fear about New York is in this: It is a city where the businessmen and the ballplayers wear pinstripes,” writes Morrison, sounding the alarm.

Waddayanuts? Gotham taking over L.A.?

Here’s the response of an L.A. boy who moved to New York eight years ago: You should be so lucky.

You should also get a grip. New York isn’t colonizing you, pal, because New York doesn’t have time for this. Wake up and smell the salsa. When it comes to Los Angeles, we could not care less.

We’re still getting used to the fact that we live in one of America’s safest big cities. We’re finally adjusting to the news that the really important stuff in life--murders, fires, riots, floods, earthquakes and bad movies--all comes from that smogopolis of yours.

Colonizing L.A.? Krupke, we got troubles of our own.

We face athletic challenges you never dream about. Like, how to get tickets to see a world champion baseball team. And we’re burdened by decisions--like, what to do on a summer night in New York? Do we check out the theater district, enjoy free opera in the park, sample the finest jazz clubs in America or simply walk home from Greenwich Village to the Upper West Side?

On that leisurely walk, there are unmistakable signs that we’re the ones being invaded: By Disney, which is turning midtown into a cartoon mall. By chains like LA Gear and California Burrito Co. By a flood of new arrivals, like Steven Spielberg and Bette Midler, who believe California might not be the best place to raise kids.

One thing we won’t do is trash our newest citizens. In New York, we don’t demonize immigrants. We build museums and monuments honoring them. There’s a long and proud tradition of people seeking out this city, and it continues.

Last week, a poll by Louis Harris & Associates revealed that more Americans--especially young people--want to move here than to any other U.S. community. Imagine: The future lies here, on the banks of the Hudson River, not in the Third Street Promenade. American kids dream about life in a real city, and they made New York No. 1.

Los Angeles didn’t even make the top 15. Translation: Southern California is the dark side of the moon, Jocko. Dark as in, unseen. And New York is doing just fine.

Colonizing L.A.? Why on earth would anyone leave here?

Life on the coast sounds rough. Like those rude clerks at Barneys. Come on. Do you think they’re arriving on buses from the Bronx every day? And that Big Orange-Big Apple shtick sure gets old, especially when you try to impress people at parties.

“S-o-o-o, you’re from L.A.,” New Yorkers will say to an Angeleno. “That’s really, uh, interesting.” Then silence.

Hell, you can’t even use the gags about New York drivers anymore. Here, we walk. Millions of us. The last time I cut off a pedestrian on Fifth Avenue, he didn’t blow my head off. He didn’t even notice. It almost made me nostalgic for L.A.

Obviously this civics lesson won’t settle things, so let the bicoastal food fight continue. Just don’t blame us for Joey Buttafuoco. If he can make it in Tinseltown, that says more about your dirty laundry than ours. I mean, we got bored with this mook long ago. What is L.A.--the place where bad David Letterman jokes go to die?

Maybe you guys need a better self-image--and a reality check with mustard on the side. Do people really worry that Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs are invading their neighborhoods?

You should be so lucky.