Punch Lines

Martian Chronicles: “Due to a computer glitch, the transmission of data from Pathfinder has slowed to a crawl,” says Joe Kevany. “JPL keeps receiving the same message: ‘This is a rock.’ ”

* “Scientists have located the communications problem. They shouldn’t have gone with MCI.” (Alan Ray)

* “The explorer Sojourner backed away from the rock named Yogi and headed for Scooby Doo. It’s pretty obvious now that women are from Venus and Hanna-Barbera is from Mars.” (Bill Williams)

*

Scandalgate: The Senate released a log showing John Huang made 175 visits to the White House between 1993 and 1996, says Argus Hamilton. “It can only mean one thing. Before going to work at Commerce, he was a delivery man for Pizza Hut.”

“Earlier this week, the White House protested the use of Bill Clinton’s image in the film ‘Contact,’ ” says Mark Dayton. “Kinda makes you wonder how they’re going to react to his portrayal in the upcoming ‘Troopergate.’ ”

* “Clinton’s lawyers point out that it is not the role of a Hollywood production company to exploit the presidential image for obscene amounts of money. That’s Harry Thomason’s and Linda Bloodworth-Thomason’s job.” (Bob Mills)

* “Officials complain that the movie manipulated the president’s image and his words to make it seem like he was saying something he wasn’t. See, normally, that would be called a campaign.” (Jay Leno)

“The Senate campaign finance hearings--a.k.a. the Potomac Yawn Patrol--are so boring, some Republicans have suggested bringing in Sonny Bono to do a number between witnesses.” (Mills)

* “It’s the best-dressed Senate committee in history. They wear tuxedos in the afternoon because they all have fund-raisers to attend starting at 5.” (Hamilton)

* “White House Press Secretary Mike McCurry has accused Republicans of running a smear campaign to assassinate the president’s character,” says Hamilton. “What utter nonsense. If ever there was an apparent suicide. . . .”

*

A Living Wage: For the third year, Forbes magazine has named Bill Gates the richest man in the world with a net worth of more than $36 billion. “That’s mind-boggling,” says Leno. “Give you an idea how rich this guy is--do you know he has over $800 million in change sitting on top of his dresser?”

* “Bill Gates is so rich, he controls more than three-quarters of the world’s Grey Poupon.” (Leno)

* “Gates just called up NASA and asked how much they wanted for Mars.” (Williams)

Reader Judy Herman of Manhattan Beach says her niece, Laura, who will be 4 next month, has suddenly become very chatty, revealing family secrets to anyone she meets. To befuddle listeners, her father has begun feeding her disinformation. Recently, Laura announced to everyone in an Auto Club waiting room:

“Hi. We’re in the Witness Protection Program.”