PUNCH LINES
Technology Bites: “The ‘Orange Crush’ interchange in Orange County has been rated the world’s most complex,” says Paul Ecker. “There are 629,000 cars a day traveling over 66 lanes, and just think how many more there would be if anyone ever used the carpool lanes.”
* “It’s so complex I saw a guy standing on an onramp with a sign that said, ‘Will work for directions.’ ” (Ecker)
New crewmen will be sent to the Mir, and their wives are upset that the mission is delayed until August. Says Jenny Church, “These women realize that if the Mir isn’t fixed by the time the NFL season starts, they’ll end up fixing it themselves.”
* “The recruitment ad for the fresh crew of cosmonauts tries to be positive about the situation--’a real fixer upper.’ ” (Alan Ray)
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The Feds: U.S. Atty. Gen. Janet Reno has called for treating sentencing for possession of powder and crack cocaine the same, says Jay Leno. “And she’s getting a lot of support from politicians. In fact, D.C. Mayor Marion Barry said, ‘I’ve tried them both and I can’t tell the difference.’ ”
“Federal Reserve chief Alan Greenspan gave favorable comments on the economy, much to the excitement of Wall Street,” says Brian J. Hill. “Come on. Greenspan has all the excitement of Al Gore on Valium.”
“Newt Gingrich says he won’t quit as House speaker,” says Ray. “His work in Washington is far from over. He plans to keep his job for at least four more books.”
The new Ronald Reagan Building on Pennsylvania Avenue, soon to be home to thousands of government bureaucrats, will be the final construction of Washington’s Federal Triangle. “It’s like the Bermuda Triangle,” Church explains. “Tax dollars go in, but nobody knows where they went.”
“ ‘Air Force One’ opens this week. It’s all about the president fighting terrorists on the plane,” says Leno. “How realistic is that, really? Do you think Clinton would fight off terrorists? He doesn’t know karate. I mean what would he do, keep raising their taxes until they give up?”
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Musical Notes: Disney has bought alternative music label Mammoth Records. “The Disney influence has already affected one act,” says Ray. “The Squirrel Nut Zippers now feature Chip and Dale.”
“Standing Stone,” Paul McCartney’s first symphony, will premiere in London in October. “That’s what happens when you start putting ‘Sir’ in front of people’s names.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)
Billy Joel says he is giving up pop music for classical. “From now on, he wants to be called ‘the Pianoforte Man.’ ” (Daily Scoop)
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Reader Richard Showstack of Newport Beach lives next door to a family with four children. One day the kids were putting on a “fair” and told Showstack that as the first customer, he would have to pay 1 cent. Handing it over, he asked the regular price of admission. Lauren, 9, replied:
“Oh, for regular customers it’s free.”
